What To Do If Your Server Is Not Being Friendly At A Restaurant

Dining out is more than just eating; it's a whole experience, a feast for the senses (otherwise, you'd just get takeout from your favorite fried chicken chain and eat on your couch). But sometimes the worst happens: You've been excited to eat at a high-class establishment for months, but when you get there, the waiter is less than inviting, more cold and distant than friendly. It's actually kind of overwhelming how much an unenthusiastic and distant waiter can impact your perception of the entire meal, especially if it's one you've been looking forward to. Rather than fight fire with fire, as might be the first impulse for some, you should keep your cool and continue treating them with politeness (it's your ticket to better restaurant service overall).

The thing is, you never truly know what people are going through. They could be experiencing a tough divorce with a nasty custody battle, a parent or friend might have been diagnosed with a terminal illness, or they might have just lost a pet — there are so many reasons why your server isn't the friendliest. Try to view them through a human lens, not as a servant, and remember that we all have bad days.

If you suspect that this is simply their personality and how they are on a regular basis, you should still stay the course. However, if their treatment of you slips from unfriendly to plainly rude, don't be afraid to stick up for yourself using clear, assertive communication.

It can be tough to know where the line is drawn between unfriendly behavior from your server that you can and cannot tolerate (silent service is a thing, after all). On the one hand, you don't want to make a scene in the restaurant and give everyone dinner and a show, but you also don't want to be a pushover if the server is being openly rude. You'll know it's time to say something if, after each interaction, the people in your party all exchange incredulous glances, as if to say, "Did that really happen?"

So if you do opt to speak to the manager about your waiter's less-than-friendly treatment, it's best to head to the host or hostess stand, or flag down another server, and ask if you can speak to someone in charge. When that person arrives, mind your language, speak calmly, describe just the facts, and, if you're still waiting on your food or eating, request a different server.

If that type of confrontation just isn't your style, you might think you should express your displeasure by withholding your server's tip. Unfortunately, this is not a great way to make your feelings known because servers often pool their tips at the end of the night, so leaving nothing hurts the entire waitstaff. You could, however, leave the bare minimum, around 20%, especially if you normally reward great service with 25% to 30%.