This Week In Crimes Against Doughnuts: Sushi, Burritos, Iced Coffee, Skydiving
You know what never did anything to you? The doughnut. This simple ring of dough, fried to a golden brown and lightly glazed, maybe topped with mysterious pastry candy, needs no improvement, adjustment or Inception-theming. And yet adjust we do, in torturous ways. Let's take a stroll through the food abomination aisle and see what's going on this week.
Just because you can mash sushi rice into a doughnut pan doesn't make it sushi or a doughnut. It makes it neither. Seriously, try this at home and see if it changes everything. Now you're stuck with a doughnut pan that you're never going to use again, because the rest of the following things exist.
A photo posted by Elie (@bookofelie) on
The hashtags should explain this whole business nicely.
Before you ask, here's the recipe. After you ask, here's Lipitor!
A photo posted by Julia Chappell (@juliachappell) on
If you're going to make a food portmanteau, at least make one that rolls off the tongue nicely. Cronut, for instance: croissant and doughnut. Tomatonaise: equal parts mayonnaise and ripe tomato, blended to make an awesome sandwich spread. But for Gossip Coffee in Astoria, Queens, to thread the straw of a frozen cappuccino through a doughnut and celebrate with a clunky new word is perhaps overplaying one's hand. Also, let's hear it for sugar!
Skip ahead to 5:24-ish to watch base jumper Ellen Brennan, world's fastest flying woman, pluck a bag of Dunkin' Donuts from the sky! She actually gets a pass for having burned some calories first. Enjoy that doughnut.
Why would you ever put ice cream into the unfriendly, brittle, flavorless vessel that is the ice cream cone? Even a waffle cone is nothing more than edible cardboard. What you really need is a vehicle that honors your ice cream and makes it feel like the goddamned royalty it is.
A photo posted by Gabriela Frank (@gabbyfrank) on
Boom, doughnut castle for your dairy princess.