You know what never did anything to you? The doughnut. This simple ring of dough, fried to a golden brown and lightly glazed, maybe topped with mysterious pastry candy, needs no improvement, adjustment or Inception-theming. And yet adjust we do, in torturous ways. Let’s take a stroll through the food abomination aisle and see what’s going on this week.
Just because you can mash sushi rice into a doughnut pan doesn’t make it sushi or a doughnut. It makes it neither. Seriously, try this at home and see if it changes everything. Now you’re stuck with a doughnut pan that you’re never going to use again, because the rest of the following things exist.
This is a #doughrito, a breakfast burrito filled with a donut. I found it in the unassuming Surfin Donuts coffee house in Mission Viejo. You choose your donut, glazed, you choose your meats, of course bacon + sausage, and then you live your life and give thanks to #America for making this deliciousness possible.
The hashtags should explain this whole business nicely.
If you’re going to make a food portmanteau, at least make one that rolls off the tongue nicely. Cronut, for instance: croissant and doughnut. Tomatonaise: equal parts mayonnaise and ripe tomato, blended to make an awesome sandwich spread. But for Gossip Coffee in Astoria, Queens, to thread the straw of a frozen cappuccino through a doughnut and celebrate with a clunky new word is perhaps overplaying one’s hand. Also, let’s hear it for sugar!
Skip ahead to 5:24-ish to watch base jumper Ellen Brennan, world’s fastest flying woman, pluck a bag of Dunkin’ Donuts from the sky! She actually gets a pass for having burned some calories first. Enjoy that doughnut.
Doughnut ice cream cones
Why would you ever put ice cream into the unfriendly, brittle, flavorless vessel that is the ice cream cone? Even a waffle cone is nothing more than edible cardboard. What you really need is a vehicle that honors your ice cream and makes it feel like the goddamned royalty it is.
Boom, doughnut castle for your dairy princess.