Jack Cambria is a real-life former NYPD crisis negotiator who’s mediated thousands of hostage situations, and just earned himself a big pile of “fancy ketchup” for helping some flustered parents out of a dire ketchup addiction situation. Here’s what’s actually going on: a two-for-one deal that our beloved condiment overlords would like us to take advantage of. And if you don’t, well, your child may never eat again. Do you have what it takes to intervene effectively? Neither do we. (Dips fries).