Count Down The Apocalypse With Sour Patch Kids-Flavored Yogurt

Remember Dannon's Sprinkl'ins? That's not a typo, that's the actual spelling. They were glorified pudding cups consisting of sugary food-colored yogurt with a little foil packet of ice cream sprinkles (or Pop Rocks, M&Ms or cotton candy nuggets) built into the lid. They were the ultimate child bribe. I would do anything for a Sprinkl'ins. Dentist, vaccinations, outlet shopping, you offer me a Sprinkl'in and I'm in it to win it. This month, Yoplait cuts out the middleman and pre-loads your yogurt tube with candy for you. That's right, Sour Patch Kids-flavored yogurt is hitting lunch boxes as we speak.

I'm not going to spoil the fun by listing the nutrition facts — just use your imagination. But here are some observations. First, neither of the flavors this stuff comes in — blue raspberry and redberry — are actual berries unless you're someone who refers to any combination of strawberries, raspberries, cherries and currants as simply "redberry." Even a four-year-old hopped up on yogurt candy knows the difference between two distinct red berries. He or she probably has a short but informative picture book on the topic. Let's not add insult to injury by patronizing the primary consumers of this product.

Second, yogurt is already sweet and sour. That's one of the reasons it maintains its standing among the greatest ingredients in human history. Like marinating your chicken before you cook it? Yogurt, unequivocally. Having trouble staying regular? (That's to be read in a Jewish grandma's voice). Yogurt. Hate the price of beauty products? Yogurt-honey facial and hair mask. Trying to cut the fat in your cake recipe/baked potato topping/breakfast routine? Yogurt. The natural qualities that make it sweet and sour are the ones most beneficial to wellness, and if you don't find its natural form delicious early on, you're only ever going to love yogurt in its loose, sugary pudding form.

Fun fact: In France, where snacking on candy is strongly discouraged, Sour Patch Kids are called "Very Bad Kids."

And third, without further ado, here's an early 90s commercial for Sprinkl'ins, which at least technically offered you the choice to add candy. If they weren't so perishable, I'd have already ordered a pack (along with some Clearly Canadian) on eBay.