Photo: Gage Skidmore/Creative Commons
Republican Texas senator Ted Cruz, hunger enthusiast. (Photo: Gage Skidmore/Creative Commons.)

According to the Dallas Morning News, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz’s campaign asked supporters (or “prayer warriors”) to abstain from food yesterday in preparation for Tuesday’s primaries. In case you missed it, however, there’s still time! We’re here to help you through the day, as we assume you’ve never fasted in order to help elect a leader of the free world. Stick to this easy-to-follow schedule and breeze your way toward victory!

7:30 a.m.
Enjoy a hot cup of Sanka, which, as everyone knows, is simply burned water.

9:00 a.m.
Bust out your gun and fry up a few slices of bacon. Why is bacon allowed? Well, you can cook it on your gun for one thing, which is awesome enough to cancel out the fasting violation, and it’s haram and traif for another. What’s haram and traif? Shut up and eat your gun bacon — this is fasting, not 20 questions.

2 p.m.
You skipped lunch! Well done. Keep your cosmic energy up by eating any of the following things that resemble Ted Cruz (it’s a tribute, not a snack):

  • A Smucker’s Uncrustables dunked in lukewarm water, then sausage gravy.
  • A roast turkey with the meat pulled off, pulverized in a blender, then smeared back on the carcass.
  • Five Vienna sausages peering out of a collared shirt.
  • A bowl of rice pudding with a smiley face poked into it.
  • A microwaved folded-over Wonder Bread and mayonnaise sandwich.
  • The first pancake of the batch that doesn’t cook all the way through.
  • A collage of Wario made from Oscar Meyer lunch meats.
  • A milk-boiled opossum.

4 p.m.
Order 40 pizzas delivered to TheBlaze HQ, c/o Cruz endorser Glenn Beck, in order to test his faith.

6:30 p.m. 
Stave off the hunger by reading comments on Glenn Beck’s “Fast for Cruz” Facebook post, and know he’s definitely eating the pizzas you sent:

  • “I won’t be fasting, as a Baptist it’s not in my vocabulary, and I really don’t like being hungry.”
  • “Asking your family to fast for a political campaign is beyond reasonable.”
  • “I’d like to ask all of you to join me in a fast from Glenn Beck’s fanaticism for sanity, logic, and the secular rule of law outlined by the constitution.”
  • “If we can’t get the kind of God-fearing Christian leader we want by laying off the chicken fries and Hot Pockets for a few days, then I pray for our nation!”
  • “What does the fast entail? I have diabetes but I’m not insulin dependent.”
  • “I am eating this delicious Thai cashew chicken dish for Ted Cruz here in Vegas.”

7:00 p.m.
Eat a handful of nuts to symbolize your fellow fasters. Religion loves symbols.

9 p.m.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU CAN STOP FASTING WHEN THE SUN GOES DOWN!? Why was no list of fasting instructions included in Cruz’s email!?

And there you have it. You just fasted for Ted Cruz! By this point, with nothing but a cup of Sanka, a slice of gun bacon, a microwaved mayo sandwich and a handful of nuts in your system, you should be just about delusional enough to vote for a cardboard cutout of Matt LeBlanc. Break your fast with chicken fries and Hot Pockets, neither of which are gluten-free. Good job, all.