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Udi's bread leaves plenty to the imagination. Chiefly, the "bread" part.

Gluten-free giant Udi’s has the lion’s share of a market enjoying consistent growth: gluten-free bread, buns, pizza crusts, muffins and other wheat-free crumbly messes in a bag. Udi’s newest variety even has chia seeds, as though things could not possibly get trendier. According to the company’s website, there’s “no need to toast this bread, go ahead and eat straight from the bag…” Hmm, it looks like the rest of that sentence cut off. Allow me to complete it: “if you produce entirely too much saliva and/or experience crippling anxiety at the sight of a toaster.” You can’t eat this stuff straight out of the bag; it needs to be heated (and moisturized or otherwise lubricated) to prove even remotely edible.

A whip-smart blogger by the name of Gluten Dude (swoon) has brought an even bigger issue to light: forget the crappy texture — these loaves are positively riddled with holes. Big ones. I myself broiled pepper jack cheese straight through one of these holes onto the floor of my oven this morning, and now I have to clean my oven. I was perfectly content with the fact that I was never, ever going to clean my oven. And now I have to.

This bread makes a dreadful sandwich, but an excellent Halloween mask! Note: do not use this bread on cats. (Photo: Gluten Dude.)

Follow Gluten Dude’s adventures through the customer service process, with all the R&D-related excuses, preposterous runaround and even bribery from Udi’s VP/general manager you’d expect from the world’s largest corporate gluten-free bakery. Then pick up your very own $7 loaf and shoot us a peek-a-boo selfie!