On-Demand Booze Apps: A Terrible Idea, But The Time Might Be Now
What legitimate reason could anyone in New York City who isn't paralyzed or agoraphobic have for using Drizly?
It wasn't all that long ago when a world without Borders (or Blockbuster or Sam Goody) would have been hard to imagine. But then, in a flash, they were gone. And maybe that isn't so terrible in the grand scheme of things, I don't know, what I do know is that I've got a lot of great memories of hanging out in record and bookstores, of meeting people and discovering new things. I've yet to experience a single transcendent moment placing an order on Amazon.
There's just something terribly desperate and sad about a guy sitting home alone ordering Bushmills using Drizly or Saucy (or Dopey or Bashful). This is a man who's voluntarily locked himself up in a cell, communicating through the slot in the door 140 characters at a time. It's only a matter of time before you show up to find he's completely lost it and has created a wall-sized self-portrait with his own feces. Pity the Drizly delivery man.
Not to worry, though. As usual, I have a solution. Today I'm proud to announce a new app I'm developing. It's called Drunkr, and like most apps it's a shameless ripoff of something else. In this case I stole Grindr's idea almost wholesale. Both apps' primary purpose is to help men connect with other men for real world fun. The only difference is that with Drunkr, they're meeting up to polish off a bottle of Jameson instead of each other's knobs.
Just login to the app to see the other schlubs near you who could use some company and what their preferred hooch is. When it finds a match, the two of you are directed to the closest liquor store where, hopefully, the seeds of long-lasting meaningful relationship will be planted as the two of you get plastered.
And if it turns out you aren't a good fit — say, he's a buttoned-up gin guy and you like to get crazy on the tequila — well, don't worry, there's a real easy out should things start to get awkward. Just feign discomfort and scratch at your nether-regions a few times. When he asks if everything's okay that's when you tell him, with feigned embarrassment, that you think you've got a nasty case of Drizly. That's almost guaranteed to scare him off. And chances are, he'll leave you the bottle.
Follow Dan on Twitter and Instagram @TheImbiber.
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