I have a confession to make: I’m not proud of it, but I am actively looking for the Juliet to my Romeo — the cheddar to my cracker — on a popular online dating website. I would like to say that it’s to make friends since I’m new in town, but that would be a lie; I have plenty of friends and I’m not new at all. On my profile I mention I write a column about cheese for a food website. Of all the incredible attributes, my profile highlights this is the thing the ladies throw their panties over.

  • “Errmagawd I LOVE cheese too!”
  • “OMG we should totally have a wine and cheese party and you can write about how awesome it was.”
  • What's ur favorite music genre cause mines r&brie lolololol! Hi im heather

These are just a few of messages I have gotten recently. Turns out, the honeys love cheese (cheese also loves honey, incidentally). So this article is dedicated to all the cheese-loving online daters out there. Here are 5 life hacks that will impress the dates you (read: I) arrange over a mutual love of cheese. Don't knock it til you've tried it.

  1. Even with a specialized cheese knife, cutting an impressive perfect slice can be tedious. Try cutting softer or crumbly cheeses into perfect slices using unflavored, unwaxed dental floss. Just pull the floss taut over the cheese where you to slice, and push down firmly. It’s about 1000% cheaper than a cheese board with a built-in wire slicer that's bound to break at some point. Now you're a genius who clearly has his finances in order.
  2. Repurpose parmesan cheese shakers into dispensers for a sugar and cinnamon blend, freshly dried herbs, powdered laundry detergent, or even sidewalk salt so she doesn't slip and fall AND sees that you're a recycler. Also, you're a cheese genius who clearly has his finances in order.
  3. Taking her up on the wine and cheese party? Make deep incisions in a criss-cross pattern in a crusty loaf. Stuff each opening with cheese slices of your choice (brie, cheddar and havarti have worked well for me). Drizzle the whole thing lightly with olive oil, a sprinkle of salt and maybe some chopped garlic or green onions (easy does it though, it's a date). Cover the loaf in foil and bake for 15 minutes at 350F then take it out, peel back the foil and expose the whole mess to the broiler for a couple of minutes to crisp it up. Tear off hot, classy hunks and enjoy with your favorite beer or wine.
  4. End up with a date back at your place on very little notice? Maybe forget about the cheese…but also, maybe break it out. If you haven't picked any up in a few days and your cheese lost some of its flavor and aroma while it was sitting in the fridge, carefully trim away the outermost 1/4-1/2 inch — using the precision magic of unwaxed dental floss — to expose a brand-new hunk. Do not allow your date to see this trick.
  5. No need to buy an expensive fondue pot that only gets used once a year (at best), instead melt your cheese blend and wine in your rice cooker on the warm setting to keep it at a perfect melted consistency. Your date should follow suit.

If I started up a dating site called e-Cheddar, would you join?

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