In our last installment of Totally Serious Reviews On Amazon, we tackled what appeared to be a fundamental problem with sugar-free Haribo gummy bears. While unfortunate to the consumers, it was hilarious to us, which is why we're moving on to something else you should think twice about before attempting to digest: ghost chili hot sauce.
The ghost chili, or bhut jolokia, is 300 times hotter than a jalapeño. It's been weaponized by India (the country of its origin) and here's what happens when you eat one straight. It also makes for a love-hate relationship for the ages, as shown by the following hot sauce reviews.
Dave's Ghost Chili Sauce
"People on the street looked at me weird. I figured it would go away by the time I got home, but I decided to pick up the pace. By the time my apartment was in sight I was experiencing tunnel vision and it felt like a live agitated weasel had been placed inside me."
"The ecstasy brought about by eating spicy food poured up out of my mouth and into my head. I laid down and the dog started to act very worried. While prostrate, I focused on the pain and stared into the darkness of my own eyelids. Every little thing becomes significant when the mind is seeking relief from pain. I do not know what will happen when this stuff makes its way through my digestive tract. I'll be eating more soon."
Mad Dog 357 Ghost Pepper Hot Sauce
"This is a hospital trip short of simultaneously gargling with lye while grilling your lips on a cast-iron Weber barbeque. A full twenty minutes after I had taken less than 1/4" of a pretzel stick coated in this satanic baby batter, my tongue was searing with a rabid and vicious intensity."
"By the time lunch is done, our table is usually giddy with endorphin-high idiots unable to believe we keep doing this to ourselves but eager to try it again anyway. To repeat, we're the kind of guys who sign waivers for the heat levels we order at restaurants, and a quarter teaspoon of this stuff in a bucket of curry is almost more than we can stand."
1 Million Scoville Pepper Extract Hot Sauce
"From a torts perspective, if you plan on putting this product on someone's food, (1) put only a small amount, (2) tell them that it's "a bit spicy." That way, your intended target is at least aware of the risk of the food he or she is about to taste being spicy. He or she is assuming the risk of "how" spicy the food will be, and if they can handle how spicy it is. The "choice" is entirely upon the free-will of the target, and not due to misrepresentation or concealment."
When you have to start your review with "from a torts perspective," you should feel somewhat discouraged from buying the product. Now if only this hellfire wasn't so delicious on everything. Specifically these wings.
More necessary reviews on Food Republic: