NBA Power Rankings: Olive Garden Edition

Welcome back to another edition of the Food Republic NBA Power Rankings, where Jason Kessler takes stock in the current NBA season and ranks each team in order — and by their place on a specific restaurant menu. Previously he ranked LeBron, Kobe and the non-hobbling D Rose via the menus at Cheesecake Factory and Chili's. This time around it's Olive Garden.

I know. It's insane that we're halfway through this NBA season. Actually, insane is a pretty great word to describe the season in general. How else do you explain a league where one conference currently has ten teams over the .500 mark while the other only has four? If the playoffs started today, the abysmal Eastern Conference would feature the Toronto Raptors as the #3 seed. Read that sentence again. The Raptors, who dumped Rudy Gay in early December as a very clear signal that they were #TankingforWiggins, are the third best team in the Eastern Conference. Like I said: Insane. Less insane is the Western Conference with Portland, San Antonio, and Oklahoma City leading the way and proving that small markets can put together stellar teams. Nobody knows how it'll all play out over the next 41 games, but one thing's for sure – it's going to be a wild ride.

This season's Food Republic NBA Power Rankings have been paying tribute to chain restaurants all year and this edition is no different. If you've ever eaten Italian food in America, there's a good chance that you've made your way to an Olive Garden at some point and while it may not be the most authentic food in the world, there's certainly no harm in their unlimited salad and breadsticks. As per usual, we've matched up each team with an item on the menu and the NBA/Olive Garden pairing should make perfect sense – after all, when you eat there, you're supposed to be part of their family or something and what's an NBA team if not a highly paid, freakishly athletic family? Time to rank!

( ) = previous position | [ ] = record as of January 21, 2014

Homemade lasagna, lightly breaded chicken parmigiana and creamy fettuccine alfredo.

Like this Tour of Italy, the Blazers have a little something of everything this season and that versatility is translating into wins at an astounding pace. LaMarcus Aldridge may be the most underrated superstar in the league – seriously, he's averaging a double-double in points and boards – and Damien Lillard has clearly added his name to the list of elite NBA point guards (specifically non-injured ones). Can Portland find themselves in the Finals for the first time since 1992? 

Parmesan-breaded lasagna pieces, fried and served over alfredo sauce, topped with parmesan cheese and marinara sauce.

Let's face it, fried lasagna is the very definition of excess. So are The Heat – when they actually decide to show up and play. They just had their first 3-game losing streak of the year (all to Atlantic Division teams) so they obviously need to wake up, but the regular season is really the preseason for LeBron and Friends. Once we get closer to April, the Heat will start, well, heating up and then we'll see if they can really go for the elusive 3-Peat.

Parmesan cream sauce with a hint of garlic, served over fettuccine.

It worked. As frustrating as that is to admit, GM Darryl Morey won once again with the Dwight Howard signing. After hooking James Harden, Jeremy Lin, and Omer Asik, he was able to convince the game's best center to not only come to Houston, but play well, too. It's almost as frustrating as knowing that you can't stop yourself from ordering the fettucini alfredo, despite being fully aware of the calorie count.

Lightly breaded eggplant, fried and topped with marinara sauce, mozzarella and parmesan cheese. Served with spaghetti. 

Consistent. That describes both eggplant parmigiana and this season's Golden State Warriors. They play fast, they play as a team, and they win games. On top of that, Bogut and Curry have stayed healthy. I realize that I'm jinxing them by actually putting that in print, but it's really notable. In the ultimate compliment I can give a team, I would love to have all five of their starters in my fantasy lineup. That's because they've all been remarkably consistent this year.

Cheese-filled ravioli topped with marinara or meat sauce and melted Italian cheeses.

Full disclosure: I grew up loving the cheese ravioli at Olive Garden. They're a beautiful mix of chewy pasta, salty cheese, and tangy marinara and now that I'm older, I've realized that they're probably made in a factory then frozen and shipped all over the country. As the NBA's only Canadian team, I think it's safe to say that the Raptors are usually frozen and shipped all over the US as well. Who could have predicted this version of the Raptors? They're playing well past their potential and that started to happen AFTER they carted Rudy Gay off to Sacramento. I assume that DeMar DeRozan made a deal with the devil or something, but I'm sure Torontonians are pretty happy right now. At least Rob Ford is.

Layers of pasta, meat sauce and mozzarella, ricotta, parmesan and romano cheese.

Hey everybody! Marc Gasol is back! The fact that the Grizz maintained a winning record despite losing their best player is really admirable. Also, will somebody finally give Mike Conley some credit? He's the classic lasagna of this team – an unsung hero who goes to work night in and night out. You can always depend on a solid hunk of lasagna and you can always depend on Mike Conley. In other news, how did Memphis wind up in the Western Conference? Did the NBA work off a map from the days of the Louisiana Purchase or something?

Grilled marinated steak and chicken medallions brushed with a rosemary demi-glace, served with roasted asparagus and garlic parmesan mashed potatoes. Steak prepared medium unless otherwise requested.

There's no mixed bag on the menu, so mixed grill was the closest I could come and these Wizards are the very definition of a mixed bag. One night they're beating the Heat, two games later they're losing to Detroit. John Wall and Bradley Beal are never going to be in the upper echelon of the NBA, but they can put up points like crazy and with Gortat and Nene (aka Polish Starsky and Brazilian Hutch) manning the paint, there's finally some actual defense being played in our nation's capital. At 19-20, the Wizards are much better than expected and I have to think it's at least partly due to the sweet Bullets-inspired jerseys they've been wearing.

Grilled 12 oz choice center cut New York strip steak brushed with Italian herbs and extra-virgin olive oil. Served with garlic parmesan mashed potatoes.

What can I say? If you're ordering a steak at Olive Garden, you're misguided. I'm sure it's fine, but you should have gone to another restaurant if you were looking for a steak. If you're looking for a basketball team, you can do much better than the Atlanta Hawks. With Horford out, they're just bland. Oddly enough, though, they're currently in 4^th place in the East which is somehow where they always seem to be. The NBA: Where Mediocrity Happens For Years.

Tender sliced short ribs and portobello mushrooms tossed with asiago-filled tortelloni in a basil-marsala sauce.

Poor Pistons. They have all the tools to succeed (Drummond + Monroe + Jennings + J-Smoove), but they just can't put it together. They're like this tortelloni dish. It seems obvious to me that the short ribs and portobellos should be the filling for the pasta. Instead, they just sit outside while the tortelloni gets filled with boring asiago. Put it together Olive Pistons!

Choose up to four toppings. Pepperoni, Italian sausage, mushrooms, onions, bell peppers, black olives or roma tomatoes.

Oh, Pelican'ts. You had climbed all the way up to #13 during my last power rankings and that was without Anthony Davis. Now, the Brow is back but Ryan Anderson is down and you guys can't seem to catch a break. Maybe another name change is in order? Until then, why don't you have some fun creating your own pizza. It'll make you feel better. 

Grilled beef medallions drizzled with balsamic glaze, served over fettuccine tossed with spinach and gorgonzola-alfredo sauce. Steak prepared medium unless otherwise requested.

Oh, right. The Bobcats. They're still around. Cool.

Scallops, shrimp and delicate tilapia with spinach and mushrooms simmered in a light white wine and marinara-saffron broth. Served with toasted ciabatta bread.

Just as I'm impressed that Olive Garden would choose to include this seemingly complex soup on their menu, I'm equally impressed that Boogie Cousins is making more headlines for his stellar play than his attitude. Just look at the box scores and you'll see that good ol' DeMarcus has finally matured – at least in terms of his play. The rebounding stats are downright gaudy and, while he's not leading the Kings to the promised land anytime soon, he is leading them and that's a step in the right direction.

Shrimp sautéed in a spicy blend of hot cherry peppers, roasted red peppers, spinach and arrabbiata sauce. Served over bucatini pasta.

Let's face it, the Sixers make Philly fans about as angry as this spicy shrimp vesuvio will make anybody's stomach. They really should be better than this. All of those pre-season death rattle prognostications came before anyone knew that Michael Carter-Williams was going to be a really solid starting point guard. Spencer Hawes, Evan Turner, Tony Wroten – these guys don't exactly strike fear in the hearts of opponents, but they're not awful. On top of that, there's buzz that Nerlens Noel could be back after the All-Star Break and that's a half-season ahead of schedule. Don't give up yet, Philadephians. Hope is on the horizon.

Chicken breast tenderloins sautéed with bell peppers, roasted garlic and onions in a garlic cream sauce over angel hair.

Do you smell that? No, it's not the chicken scampi. That's the smell of a team that stinks because they don't have any direction. What exactly is Jacques Vaughn's plan down in Orlando? It must be a secret, because the Magic aren't showing it on the court. Jameer Nelson is having a surprisingly good year, though, and Oladipo is coming along just fine. If they can figure out how to get Tobias Harris and Big Baby to join forces (and grow a few inches), perhaps they can right the ship. Until then, however, this team is just a bunch of chicken tenders sitting on a bed of angel hair.

Choose oven-roasted with a balsamic drizzle, or make it crispy with our lightly battered and fried recipe. Each is topped with freshly grated parmesan and served with a citrus aioli dipping sauce.

Does anyone know what's going on in Milwaukee? Do they know that there's no prize for being the best tankers? The Bucks are a mess and right now they're about as appealing to watch as eating a whole plate of lightly battered and fried asparagus. Maybe John Henson and Larry Sanders can figure out a way to hold hands and block shots together. That would be entertaining. Side note: who in their right mind says "I want to order asparagus, but I'd really rather it be deep-fried." That's like going fishing and using your catch to make fish sticks.

Check out more NBA Power Rankings on Food Republic:

• NBA Preseason Power Rankings: Cheesecake Factory Edition
• NBA Power Rankings: McDonald's Edition
• NBA Power Rankings: Benihana Edition