Another Duck Dynasty Controversy Is Brewing. Well, Fermenting.

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As you may have heard, A&E's hit reality show, Duck Dynasty has been rocked by a controversy that has the makings of a nasty brouhaha. It all started when the good ol' boys from the Duck Dynasty family decided to apply an insensitive label to something that the sensitive folk up in the liberal-lala-land of Northern California are fond of. The offended parties took Phil Robertson and his kin to task, insisting they cease and desist using the offending label. But the Robertsons stood their ground, even taking to the road and the airwaves to promote their controversial position. And of course, It wasn't long before the lawyers got involved.

I'm talking, of course, about Duck Commander Wine.

Sometime in the near future, the courts will decide whether the Duck Dynasty clan in Louisiana violated the rights of Napa Valley-based Duckhorn Vineyards when it released its range of low-cost branded vino.

Now, I'm not at all sure how the court is going to rule on this, nor do I care all that much. Like many of you, I've still got a hangover from that other Duck Dynasty uproar. You know, the one where A&E edited out their gratuitous references to Jesus. Now they want to shove this wine junk down our throats? How would Phil Robertson feel if someone tried to shove their junk down his throat?

Still, I worry that a ruling in Duckhorn's favor could set a legal precedent that would give rise to similar lawsuits. Once a judge decrees that Duck Commander is too similar to Duckhorn, next thing you know Ravenswood will be suing the Baltimore Ravens over these wine glasses and J Rochioli will be hauling J Crew into court over this spiced wine taffeta dress.

Should Duck Commander prevail, though, I suspect they'll sell a ton of the stuff. In recent years, wineries have made a killing pairing vino with popular TV shows, movies and bands such as Downton Abbey, Fifty Shades of Grey and the Rolling Stones (which I hear ages well for the first 15 years, then goes right off a cliff).

But you know what? As tacky as they may be, I'm fine with these pop cultural phenomenon-themed wines. This is America, after all. Opportunistic branding is our birthright! In fact, if I have a problem with anything it's that the booze industry isn't taking this trend far enough. Here are just a few no-brainers I've come up with. Diageo, I hope you're taking notes.

Proctor And Gamble Presents... Honey Boo Boo's Old Fashioned After-Dinner Cordial

Five parts Scope©, three parts Red Bull, two parts Everclear, one part delicious McIntyre, Georgia creek water and a bunch of Pixy Stix powder. Just one sip will have you smiling like this guy...

America's Next Top Bottle

For the weight-conscious booze lover, this beguiling combination of Clenbuterol, Adderall, valium, caffeine, and laxatives is dissolved in a vodka base then filtered through a $9,000 Hermes silk scarf. Each bottle comes with a pack of cigarettes and a bottle of Ipecac. Pairs well with cotton balls.

12 Years A Slave Rum

Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, man, that is an incredibly offensive booze to try to bring to market. And that's the whole point. This rum, like the movie, is purposely designed to increase awareness about the evils of slavery. Would it be a bad thing if it also increased profits? I think that makes this the feel-good rum of the year. Two thumbs way up!

Lorde's "We'll Never Be (Crown) Royal" Blended Whisky

This ain't your grandfather's whisky, and whatever you do don't let him try it, because that guy likes Crown Royal and this will never be that. He'll just bitch about how shitty it tastes. Because man this stuff tastes shitty. But that's not the point. The point is to make a statement about our culture of conspicuous consumption and to confront the ever-widening gap between the haves and have-nots. Which is why this sells for $500 a bottle. Is irony powerful or what?

Riesling Gosling

Here is the picture on this bottle:

Here is the text on this bottle: "Hey girl, I heard you like white wine, so I made you some. Let's drink it together and go buy you some shoes."

Here is the amount of money you will make from this bottle: All of it. All of the money.

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