The All-New 100% Can't Fail SlimQuik Hyper-Locavore Diet

We're two weeks into 2014 and if you're still sticking to that diet you committed to on New Year's Day you should be applauded. I sincerely hope those hunger pangs you feel on the regular are more satisfying than that slice of pizza that you refuse to touch. If you've given up, you're not alone. The problem that most people have with New Years' diets is that they're too difficult to stick to. They have too many special rules to follow and too many special ingredients to buy. On Mondays and Thursdays, eat this. On Tuesdays and alternate Fridays, eat that. It's too damn much.

Luckily, I have a solution. It's the 100% Can't-Fail SlimQuik Hyper-Locavore Diet and it's going to change your life completely. It's the same menu every day featuring ingredients that you find in your own kitchen. You never have to leave the house again until you're no longer an enormous monstrosity!

Pre-Breakfast Snack

7:30 a.m.: 1 spoonful of ketchup

Get your metabolism started with this liquified vegetarian boost! An early-morning dose of lycopene and glucose is sure to turn your body into a fitness machine. It might even fight cancer! Who knows?!? The size of the spoon is up to you, so choose wisely. Go from Flabby Abby to Fit Brit!

(Please do not use large wooden spoons or any ladles)


9:00 a.m.: 16 raw almonds, ground and mixed with one soy sauce packet

This nutty slurry is sure to wake up your senses with massive umami power and secrets of the Orient. Think of it like an herb-free pesto and feel your cholesterol lower with every bite. The best part is that grinding the almonds releases hidden nutrients and burns calories as you grind. Transform yourself from Fat Pat to Thin Flynn!

Mid-Morning Snack

10:30 a.m.: Five spaghetti strands, uncooked.

Everybody loves spaghetti! This A.M. snack is perfect for fending off The Hungries and makes your mouth happy as you munch your way through the raw noodles. By ingesting them uncooked, you're forcing your body to do all the work. Eating cooked spaghetti is for lazy sacks of crap. Raw pasta is for winners! Change your attitude from Large Marge to Skinny Winnie!


12:00 p.m.: As much grass* as you can possibly eat.

What's 100% organic and totally free? Grass! Get your cow on and graze, graze, graze! Just open your front door and go crazy with nature's favorite greens. Unlock the amazing potential of chlorophyll as you literally feel your stomach shrinking. Don't worry about portion size here. Just shovel in as much grass as you want and, as the late Michael Jackson said, "don't stop 'til you get enough!" Soon enough you'll say goodbye to Big Trig and hello to Lil' Phil!

*Grass must come from within 30 ft. of your front door.

Mid-Afternoon Snack

2 p.m.: ¼ cup of frozen mixed vegetables with a dollop of salsa

Say olé with this spicy snack that sends you south of the border on a fun flavor journey! It's just the right size to get your mind off of your insatiable need for more food and, even better, really tasty! Measure out your veggies using the patent-pending 100% Can't-Fail SlimQuik Hyper-Locavore Diet measuring cups and get loco with this awesome snack while you kick Gordo Gordon to the curb and welcome in Flaco Rocco!

Pre-Dinner Snack

5 p.m.: ¼ cup of salsa with a dollop of frozen mixed vegetables

Did somebody say remix? Take the same ingredients, switch up the measurements and what do you have? The best pre-dinner snack that you'll have all day! You get the same delicious salsa and the same belly-filling vegetables, but the secret is that switching up the proportions tricks your body into thinking it needs to fire up its furnace and burn, baby, burn! Say adios to Disgusting Dusty and hola to Handsome Hansen!


7 p.m.: 1 can of black beans + 1 cup of minute rice

This will be what you'll look forward to ALL DAY LONG. A super-filling bowl of rice and beans is exactly what you need to calm the voice in your head that's saying "This is crazy. This is stupid. Why am I doing this? Why did I eat a whole bowl of grass for lunch? Was that dog pee on the grass? I thought I tasted dog pee on the grass. Am I going to die now? I'm going to die." Dig in and feel your neuroses fade away! Watch as Chubby Bubbie turns into Slim Kim!


8 p.m.: 1-ounce shot of maple syrup

What a sweet way to end your day! Maple syrup sends a message to your metabolism that you're working overtime tonight! Burn off those saddlebags while sleeping with this proven anti-inflammatory that cuts inch after inch off your waistline. I swear to God, though, if you take so much as one drop more than one ounce, this diet will not work. It will be all your fault and you will have failed. Stick to an ounce or you will face the consequences. I'm warning you. Don't do it. Don't you dare. If you do, there's no way you'll go from Heavy Bevvy to Small Paul.

[Important note: This diet has not been approved by the FDA, the FAA, the FCC, the ACC, the SEC, the BCS, or anyone living or dead. It's probably best not to try it.]

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