What's The Polite Way To Split A Check When You're Not Drinking?

'Tis the season for large gatherings at restaurants where everyone drinks too much! Unless, of course, you're not drinking — in which case you could be in for an unpleasant surprise when not only does Paul clearly need your help getting home but there's, like, an extra $25 on your split of the check. Here's how to avoid that. Paying for booze you didn't drink, not getting Paul home in one piece — you gotta help a buddy out.

There are two ways to approach this. Well, three. Obviously the first is paying with cash, but say your wallet's empty.

1. Everyone is probably a little drunk, so this is the perfect opportunity to grab the check and just friggin do the math yourself. You have a phone, use the calculator function to subtract the cost of your meal from the bill, then politely request a separate check. Watch as the rest toss their cards into a pile, then argue that a glass of house red is half the price of a martini. Who's not part of that barbaric "discussion?" You.

2. Call the check-splitting professional from that Portlandia sketch. See how he asks right away who wasn't drinking? Dude's a master. Sadly he doesn't exist.

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