You Could Bribe 5-Year-Old Jess With Sushi

No kid likes getting dragged around on errands, and most will need a bribe at some point. I don't know how it happened, but from my very first piece of sushi, eaten off a high chair tray table sometime around 1989, candy and other logical child-bribes had no effect on me. What an expensive little jerk.

Most of these errands were run at the world-famous White Plains Galleria. I'm kidding, that place sucked fiercely and I totally hated it, but I knew decent behavior would earn me a trip to the sushi-go-round, where my mom and I would be the only people sipping tea at the modest conveyer belt because sushi hadn't really caught on in the 'burbs yet.

Ugh, now I feel old.

The Japanese chef would eye me skeptically while I hungrily watched him make California and tuna rolls. My behavior had been totally half-acceptable while picking out new sneakers and so good while Ma picked up more vacuum cleaner bags at Sears because Amazon wasn't a thing yet. People: Amazon and mainstream sushi weren't things yet.

The chef always made me tweezy chopsticks with a folded-up wrapper and rubber band and sent my rolls all the way around the conveyer belt while I squirmed with glee. It now occurs to me that he might not have ever seen another American three-year-old eat that many tuna rolls like she'd been waiting patiently all day for her mother to please effing finish errands so we can go to the sushi-go-round already!

Pre-made supermarket sushi in plastic containers became a thing while I was in middle school and was a poor but acceptable bribe for everything from not arguing about going to piano lessons or ballet and was a pretty okay consolation prize when I came home from math tutoring battered, bruised and near-dead.

Nowadays, the possibilities are endless: I can be bribed to go on dates I don't want to go on, to switch from sake to sake bombs at a moment's notice and to meet you all the way downtown because the sushi is better downtown for some reason. I'll even accompany you on your errands. But like, Amazon.

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