When you're a kid, Halloween is all about the candy. When you're an adult, Halloween is all about getting drunk in a costume. WHERE IS THE MIDDLE GROUND? It's in the candy-giving, dude. Sadly, a lot of us adults are really, really bad at it. Do you ever really think about what kind of candy to give out on Halloween or do you just buy whatever's on sale? I fall into the latter camp. I don't have kids, I'm not trying to impress kids and if I end up giving out those awful boxes of Dots because they were half-price, then I'm not going to go to bed crying. Obviously, I'm one of the people that ruin Halloween for kids. You might be, too.
Check this list of All Hallow's Eve Villains and see if you're on here. If so, you might be turning a solid night of trick-or-treating into an infuriating waste of time.
Quote: “Hey kids! How about some macrobiotic seaweed snacks?”
Holistic Harry thinks it's his job to provide a healthy alternative to the pounds and pounds of candy that your children will no doubt be receiving this year. Kids hate him. His house smells like boiled kale and he has an endless supply of polar fleece vests. Don't eat those weird organic brown rice “treats,” kids, unless you're looking to mess up your digestive system for a week.
Chance of an egging: 70%
Quote: “Why you are here?”
Foreign Frida doesn't know any better. It's her first Halloween in America and when hordes of children descended upon her house in her homeland, it meant that she was about to lose an eye. Now, she's thrust into an American tradition with little to no preparation. That means hard candy for everyone. Not even good hard candy – we're talking those weird strawberry things that don't even taste like strawberry. Gross.
Chance of an egging: 40%
Quote: “I'm sleeping, you animals!”
Poor old Elderly Elmer. He's already mad that his property taxes are so high and now he's expected to give out candy to the kids that are constantly doing terrible things to his lawn? Elmer don't play that. Instead, Elmer gives out individually wrapped Hall's lozenges. At least it's not Metamucil.
Chance of an egging: 60%
Quote: “Well look at how adorable you all — oh god. I'm so alone. So alone.”
Sheryl goes too far. Her candy is great, but it comes with a price. When kids show up at her pumpkin-laden doorstep, they're put through a 20-minute-long interrogation where they have to explain what they are, how they decided on the costume, what the other options were, their favorite type of candy and why they think Sheryl can't make a relationship last. There's no such thing as free candy, kids. At least not when Single Sheryl's involved.
Chance of an egging: 20%
Quote: “Oh Jesus, is it October again?”
Frank works a lot. He falls asleep during commercials and, thus, misses the subtle cues our nation's advertisers send about impending holidays. At work, they had a costume contest but Frank was out on a job. Now, it's time for some ToT (that's what
the cool kids nobody calls it) and Frank has nothing to give out. Except for 100 Calorie Packs of Wheat Thins. So guess what you're getting today, Little Miley? Hope you like wheat.
Chance of an egging: Don't mess with Frank
Bad Taste Barry
Quote: “You've never had these? You'll love 'em!”
Barry loves Halloween. He just doesn't know how to do it right. Candy has always been a bit of a sore subject for good ol' Bar. Other kids loved Snickers and Skittles, but Barry went crazy for Smarties and Good & Plenty. Anybody hitting up Barry's house for some candy better get ready for his off-brand nonsense. You might get Bit-O-Honey, you might get Twizzlers, but one thing is for sure: you're going to hate what Barry puts in your little pumpkin. That sounds wrong.
Chance of an egging: 85% (applies to pretty much any day)
Quote: “I didn't know there'd be so many of you!”
Poor Peggy. She has the best of intentions. Full-size candy bars, nice haunted house soundtrack, decent Breaking Bad costume – it was all going according to plan. Except she forgot that more than 14 kids would be coming to her house tonight. She runs out after 20 minutes and now all she's giving out are apologies. Sucks to be you, Peg.
Chance of an egging: 60%
For Halloween this year, take this simple lesson from the Kessler Report: Buy good candy. Lots of it. Give it out freely. Your egg-free door will thank you.
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