Here Are Some Non-Sexist Ways To Compare Women To Food

As the lone female writer at a dude-focused food website, I'd like to politely toss my two cents into Slate's piece entitled, "Hey Food Writers, Stop Comparing Food To Women." I believe we should compare food to women far more than we already do. It's meant to be a compliment citing the only thing guys love more than sex, not an objectification directed towards making you feel like a taco. Everyone dial it back a few notches before the claws come out and we all say things we don't mean, like "guys are such dumbasses," and "girls be wack sauce."

We can eat without having sex and have sex without eating, right? Food comparisons are not inherently sexual (but if they were, I'd be the Dan Savage of food writing). It's that we're not comparing women to the right foods in the right ways. Success in this area can be a very effective method of charming a lady, provided she has a good palate and a sense of humor — two things you should be hunting for anyway, right? Here are some pointers, courtesy of someone whose ass is not actually a peach, but thank you for the lovely sentiment.

Instead of saying "your ___ is like a/two ripe, juicy ___(s)..."

Try, "Your ___ is/are more delicious than the $40 spaghetti at Scarpetta. Speaking of which, what are you doing Thursday?"

Instead of calling the entrées the server just brought "food porn..."

Switch it around and blow her mind: "I wish porn looked as appealing as this rack of ribs." Unless of course you are legitimately aroused by a rack of ribs, which is fine, just change the subject so you don't accidentally call it food porn. Its overuse is endemic in the food media world and nobody actually wants to think about pornography while eating. Most porn, anyway.

Instead of labeling decadent, saucy dishes as "femmes fatales," "blonde bombshells" or even "family matrons..."

Try some references that aren't totally dated. Here's an example: "The kimchi mayo on this Korean hot dog is like a manic pixie dream girl. Hey, did you DVR The New Girl?"

Instead of making that dumb joke about fish tacos again...

Don't. Just don't. At least make up something nobody's ever said before. Put that college degree to work: what looks like that and is also an affirming statement? Ever had a fig? Delicious and noble, isn't it? Referenced in literature and fine art?

I don't compare giant sausages in buns know, because that doesn't seem very sexual, intelligent, eloquent or appealing to the majority of our audience. But if I could pull it off, which I don't think I could or I would have attempted already, I'd certainly consider it. Is the story about the food at gay clubs? Speaking of which, can we talk about the food at gay clubs for a second? Homegirls need to get it together.

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