Kitchen Dilemmas 101: What To Do With Too Many Cucumbers?

"What the f— am I supposed to do with all of these cucumbers?"

- Jason Kessler, July 2013

As you can probably tell, I have a predicament. After carefully tending to my little backyard garden for the past few months, I now have the world's largest collection of cucumbers. Or at least that's what it feels like. Part of it is my fault. I should have gone for the pickling cucumbers. That way, I could just put all my lil' cukers up for the winter and be done with it. But no. I opted for the salad crop. I was so hopeful when I planted that seedling. I thought about all the salads I would make. I figured that I would start eating cucumbers for breakfast and make those awesome gin cocktails with muddled cukes in the bottom. And then my babies grew up. Now I've got too many of the damn things and I don't know what to do.

I've scoured the internet for ideas and come up mostly empty. Yeah, okay, I can make tzatziki and cucumber-dill soup, but that only lasts so long before you go cu-crazy. I need legitimate ideas to turn my cucumber glut into a positive, and since the web that spans the world wasn't much help, I've had to hunker down in the ol' brainstorm machine and come up with a few ideas of my own.

Nutritious Vegan Dog Toys

The inspiration for this comes from real life. My dog, Cleo Bagels, apparently loves vegetables. So much so that she's been working as her own little canine gardener when I let her out in my backyard. She'd love to have cucumbers to play with year-round and the explosion of the vegan dog supply market leads me to believe that other dogs could get in on the PlayCuke action, too. Cucumbers are perfect as dog toys – they're shaped like bones, infinitely throwable, easy to sink teeth into and serve as a nutritious snack when playtime is over. Fetch is old news. Responsible dog owners play Cuke.

Cucumber Carla

Mr. Potato Head was originally a potato that you stuck parts into. Cucumber Carla springs from the same ingenious idea, but with the added bonus that she's shaped more like a person. Take Cucumber Carla everywhere you go! Dress her up in skirts and tanks! Make her as tall or as short as you want with a simple flick of the wrist (and a sharp knife!) Cucumber Carla is the low-cost way for all the little kids in your life to have fun and support the environment in the process. Just don't leave Cucumber Carla outside for too long. She attracts squirrels.

Direct to Spa

Supply, meet demand. This may have changed since the '80s, but as far as I know, at spas all over the world, cucumbers are used to cover people's eyes and reduce puffiness. Pair that with the locavore movement and I have a feeling that my 100% organic, artisanal backyard cucumbers could be the latest trend in spa technology. Do you want some crummy grocery store cucumber on your precious eyelids or would you rather have it be locally sourced from a reputable farmer like myself? That's what I thought.


Look, I don't know what "kids" "these days" use for dioramas, but I'm guessing it's wasteful somehow. Why not use a nice cucumber instead? Dioramas have a shelf life, cucumbers have a shelf life, it's a match! Besides, I'd be much more interested in a diorama on US-Soviet relations in the late 1970s if there was a Cucumber Carter in there.


This one is pretty lofty, so please keep an open mind. I would like to live in a world where guns and knives and bombs are no longer, you know, around. Instead, I think we should name a global weapon that everyone is forced to use. One that could bruise but not maim; hurt but not kill. I'm not idealistic enough to think that weapons could ever be outlawed altogether, so why not get everyone together (I'm looking at you, Mauritania) and declare cucumbers to be the only weapons we're allowed to use from now on. They're sustainable, renewable and infinitely better than shooting people.

(giggles) You know...

I need to run to my local sex shop. Be right back.

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