New Year's Resolutions That Aren't So Bad To Break

HEY!!! It's 2013! Did you party it out on Monday? Say goodbye to 2012 with a raging hangover? Good! That's what you're supposed to do. I spent my last day of 2012 trying to decipher an ancient Mayan text to determine when I'll be allowed to eat foie gras again in California. I got as far as "Nicolas Cage movie" and stopped reading. But here we are! In 2013! Another year has passed, which means one thing for sure: it's resolution time. Did you make any? Good. Let's talk about the ones you can break.

Resolutions are tiny lies we tell ourselves wrapped in the guise of a promise. We make them with great intentions but in the back of our minds we know they won't last long. My thinking is that three weeks of gym-going is better than zero weeks of gym-going, so I'm all for resolutions that don't last.

The problem is, most of us feel incredibly guilty when we break our resolutions. Personally, I enjoy the guilt. It's a cultural thing. If I'm not feeling bad about something, I just don't feel right. Resolutions give me tons of little things to feel bad about, so it's always a great way for me to start out the year. You may feel differently though, so here are a few resolutions you shouldn't feel bad about breaking. Since the source of my guilt is mostly derived from older Jews, I will write the guilt absolution in the style of an old Jewish woman.

Losing 10 Pounds

Ten pounds? Oy. Who could lose 10 pounds? That's the size of an infant! You know who could lose 10 pounds? Mothers giving birth! Besides, who wants to lose pounds? You look thin! Eat. Eat! I'm making you some matzoh brei. Sit.

Cutting Out Sugar

All this mishegas about sugar these days. When I was a little pisher, I begged for sugar. It was a luxury. And now you want to cut it out? How dare you. People suffered for that sugar. That's why I take sugar packets from the diner. It's like they're giving away presents.

Calling Home More Often

What? The phone doesn't work both ways? They can't call you like you can call them? Who are you calling? Prisoners? You call home when you want to. You're busy. They just miss you, that's all. Maybe you call them, maybe they call you. I tell you one thing, you better call your grandma. Grandmas don't call you, you call them. You know why? They could die! Any day now! They have more important things to worry about. Like death. So call your bubbe.

Telling People How Much You Love Them

Love is overrated. You know what people want to hear? How nice they smell. "You smell great, Mrs. Roth," "Like a garden, Mr. Abramson." That's what you should be telling people. Why tell someone you love them if you love them? Don't they know already? Didn't you send a nice coffee cake? That's love right there. You send a coffee cake, that means you love someone very much.

Eating After 10 p.m.

Who stays up after 10? You're some party boy? Go to sleep, bubala. Nothing good happens after Criminal Minds is over.

All I'm saying is that you shouldn't feel bad if you break a resolution. It's 2013. Live a little. Oy.

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