Since I’m not Mayan, I’m pretty sure no amount of sacrifice I can engage in within the next 24-ish hours will put the brakes on the end of the world. I’m not familiar with the Mayan people because there are literally thousands of things I’d rather Google, but this end of days prediction seems really obnoxious. Ending the world on the 21st means we miss Christmas AND New Year’s. And since I love chasing bites of Honeybaked Ham with gulps of Andre Spumante, the Mayans are raining on “Eli’s End of Year Parade.” That’s this thing where I roam the streets drunk from the 25th to the 1st wearing various costumes, throwing beads and candy at people I pass.
Why couldn’t the Mayans end the year on April 11th so I didn’t need to file my taxes? Or end it on the day after my honeymoon so I get the wedding and the sweet vacation but don’t have to ever suffer through 49 trips to Home Depot or picking up kids from soccer practice. Basically, the Mayans are inconveniencing me terribly with all this “end of days” nonsense. So I hope the folks at Jell-O have found the right sacrificial item that will full-stop this whole “Mayan Apocalypse” thing FOX News seems to be so psyched about.
Here’s the ad:
Jell-O is amazingly delicious in basically every flavor. It’s been a staple dessert in my family (in the form of a fruit mold) since before I was born. It was my grandmother’s go-to item, so every single time I see a Jell-O logo or commercial, I think of her and it makes me happy. The Jewish health care trifecta — chicken soup, ginger ale and Jell-O — has nursed me back to health countless times. If there is anything that can make the Mayans ease up a bit, it’s gotta be this classic American dessert.
The Mayan gods set forth a date when the world would end. You look around today and the world around us is in shambles. Violence, hunger, hatred and economic despair surround us. Do we even deserve to be spared from this Mayan Apocalypse? Yes. Yes, we do. C’mon Mayan gods, give us a second chance. There’s a lot more good that can come of this experiment called Earth. A cold, wobbly piece of sweet sugar that can be set into a variety of fun shapes is only one of the millions of small but great things we’ve accomplished so far. Here, try some Jell-O, Mayan gods. See how delicious and fun it is? Yes, you can put vodka in that. Let’s chalk up this apocalypse date to a clerical error. You guys were just inventing language and numbers anyways. No biggie. Just carry that 1 for a couple more million years. We’ll keep piecing together civilization’s progress, one cup of Jell-O at a time.
When done properly, a timely ad that doesn’t directly correlate to recurring holiday is fantastic because it’s fun and relevant in the message’s urgency. This ad is only good
for a few more days until the world potentially ends today (dear god, I hope the gods like Jell-O). And you won’t see this ad again next year come Christmas time (if we’re alive) because the agency that made the ad knows the joke is done in a few days. If only the agency that keeps shoving those annoying Coca-Cola-addicted polar bears can take a hint from this.
There’s always room for Jell-O, and it comes in single servings perfect for the Jell-O lover on the go. Jell-O looks funny when you poke it. Jell-O shots get the party started. Bill Cosby is the Jell-O loving mastermind of the greatest celebrity endorsement in the history of food commercials. If you haven’t seen it or heard someone imitate it, you are an alien. And if YOU don’t like Jell-O and the offering in this ad doesn’t appease the gods, perhaps we’ll go to option B and see if the gods take a liking to you.
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