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In the spirit of Christmas, I’m feeling very John McClainey. Like the protaganist of Die Hard before me, I’m just one normal man against an assault of terrible commercials. So here I go, ready to shoot some holes in one of the crappiest Christmas ads of the year. And look out Coca-Cola, because now I’ve got a machine gun. Ho-ho-ho.

In this week’s commercial Santa tries hard to convince the masses he exists. Is he successful? Watch the ad to find out.

Product: C – 
There’s only a handful of Coke bottle appearances in the entire ad, and for being a minute-long spot, that’s not very many. For their restraint, I award the ad agency that created this horrible piece of holiday dreck a C-. I’m feeling like my high school econ teacher — I’m not going to call and tell your parents you’re worthless, but I know you’re capable of so much more. 

Message: F- 
As every girl who’s ever appeared on Oxygen Channel’s Bad Girls’ Club would say, “I’m about to pop off.” Why? Because this commercial makes no sense. Let’s break down the idiocy:

  • :01-:11 — Santa loads a gigantic wrapped present marked “for those who don’t believe” into the back of Coca-Cola truck. Okay Santa, if you want to debunk the whole non-believer set, all you have to do is climb into that box yourself and then pop out. YOU. ARE. SANTA. Anything short of you appearing in person makes no logical sense to convince non-believers. So unless you’ve been studying with David Blaine, this box trick is not going to convince anyone of anything except that you are incompetent. So Santa drives a Coca-Cola–sponsored 18-wheeler and can lift a huge box containing a doll of himself BY HIMSELF, but it’s too much trouble to stick around the city until everyone wakes up.
  • :20 — The lonely beautiful girl discovers this huge box, opens it and is EXCITED to find the most terrifying Santa puppet the world has ever known. Santa — is this the part of the commercial when you convince all the people that you exist? Because a gigantic Santa doll surely is the best vehicle to achieve this. 
  • :30 — The ethnically diverse GAP-clad town comes together to help guide the terrifying 30-foot tall Santa puppet. So…is this a doll? Is it alive? Why does everyone in this town happen to have an instrument with them? This might be the worst ad of the year. The only thing this is convincing anyone of is that huge Santa dolls are super-creepy. 
  • :41 — Was that a wink? Is the girl controlling the puppet or is Santa inside? Is this Christmas magic? Who else is going to have nightmares???
  • :56 — Santa’s big idea to convince non-believers was to have the entire town pilot a gigantic Santa puppet to town square to help light the Christmas tree. I’ll say it only one more time Santa: YOU ARE SANTA. Just fly in on a sleigh — mission accomplished. Your “convincing nonbelievers campaign” is so awful I’m tempted to believe you consulted Jerry Sandusky’s attorney on this plan. 

Creativity: A – 
The only way this ad makes sense is if it’s a commercial for a new line of 30-foot tall Santa dolls from the American Girl store. The only way this ad makes sense is if it’s a trailer for Die Hard 5 where a well-dressed European terrorist creates an elaborate plot to steal all of America’s gold using a 30-foot tall Santa as a Trojan horse. But this ad is for Coke, so the ad deserves an F. But it is spared the F rating in creativity because it seems as if some set/prop designers actually built a 30-foot tall Santa doll. I have no idea why and it makes no logical sense for the messaging of the commercial, but whoever made that in real life is actually creative. In the world of Adsnacking, even when stupidity prevails, when props are due, props be served. 

Conclusion:
Holiday commercials and films have imparted upon me two Christmas truths. 1) Santa, you sir are a moron. And 2) Jesus, forgive me for my anger so near to your birthday, but Santa, you are supremely awful at your job. Over the years I’ve seen you get stuck in chimneys, lose your list, be unable to motivate your reindeer to move the sleigh, but perhaps most shocking of all: you can’t even convince people you exist. Look, you want to clear up all this “does Santa exist?” meshugas? What you shouldn’t do is create a huge doll version of yourself and drop it off in the middle of the night. What you should do is take a page out of the John McClaine Xmas playbook. Storm in to Rockefeller Center on your flying sleigh, interrupt Ryan Seacrest and yell “Yippe Cay Yay Motherf$%kers! I’m Santa and I’m real!” It wouldn’t be PC, but it sure would be memorable. And hey, at least then we’d know you’re actually human.

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