Hurricane Isaac Survival Guide*

Hurricanes are assholes. They come to town uninvited, mess up your life, and then move on without thanking you for the hospitality. I'm pretty sure they're given human names because they're just like that old college buddy you wish would stop crashing on your couch. Plus, it's much easier to say "Screw you, Isaac," than "Screw You, Hurricane 817624."

Speaking of that terrible bastard, Hurricane Isaac is set to reach land on the seventh anniversary of Hurricane Katrina, which is undoubtedly a dick move. With meteorologists predicting that the storm will reach hurricane status before landfall, it's a good time to start thinking about getting the hell out of the way. Batteries, flashlights and portable generators are great to keep handy, but no amount of power and light will matter if you don't have food. Here's a list of five necessities to stock up on before Isaac touches down:

  1. Canned Foods

Don't just grab everything in your pantry. Be tactical. Chef Boyardee will do you no good if you're sleeping in a mini-van with no cooking gear, but canned veggies are totally fine to eat uncooked (even if they're not the tastiest snack in the world). Same goes for canned fruit. Do your best to bring food with some actual nutrients so you're not getting more malnourished with every meal while you wait out the storm. Just make sure to bring a can opener so you're not stuck with a bunch of food and no way to get to it.

  • Packaged Snacks
  • In the event of a disaster, granola bars are your best friend. Buy a thousand of them and then use your bounty as prison-style currency when everyone else runs out of food. Bags of chips and pretzels sound great, but they take up too much room. Stick to food in bar form and you'll be a happy camper, even when you're camping against your will.

  • Water
  • It's ironic to have to stockpile water when millions of gallons are pouring in from the sky, but dehydration will get you before hunger will. Keep plenty of fresh drinking water nearby to survive the worst that Mother Nature offers.

  • Non-Perishable Meat (i.e. Spam)
  • Look, you may frown at the processed grossness that is Spam during normal circumstances, but when your home has washed away and you haven't had protein in two weeks, you're going to thank your lucky stars that somebody invented a brick of pork products in a can. Think of it as the next extension of offal. Instead of eating parts of the pig that people usually shy away from, now you've got parts that people have never heard of. That's stone-cold hipster, yo.

  • $$$
  • You're only going to be able to carry so much in your car/backpack, so it's unlikely that you'll have enough food to ride out the storm if it lasts for a while. Luckily, weather experts are predicting that Isaac is going to be a much weaker cousin of Katrina. Either way, you may find yourself out of food without a lot of options. This is where cash comes in handy. Bring a Tony Soprano–style wad and don't go showing it to everyone at the Bing, but have enough cash on hand to buy any extra supplies you need from roadside entrepreneurs who happen to have an unopened case of Entenmann's doughnuts that could be yours for the right price.

    Stay safe out there, people. Hurricanes are no laughing matter.