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In this installment of Ad Snacking, we’re talking pizza, patriotism and politics. Not presidential politics folks, that’s a bit overexposed these days. Mitt Romney gets more coverage than a Blanket Jackson-Suri Cruise playdate with Kim Kardashian babysitting. It’s okay if one column in the entire Internet covers something other than a candidate’s unpatriotic offshore money-laundering operation. So today, we talk about the only thing more American than cheating on your taxes — making a pizza out of hamburgers. Observe:

I’m channeling my inner Bill O’Reilly and taking on this ad National Review Op-Ed style.

TAKING A SLICE OF THE GEO-POLITCAL PIE, EXTRA CHEESE PLEASE
The ad you just watched for the only available in the Middle East “The Crown Crust Pizza” is tough for me to watch as a red, white and blue-blooded American. As the ad opens and the Middle Eastern Chandler Bing places his “joke” order for a cheeseburger and a stunning menu addition is revealed! A pizza made out of cheeseburgers! But the real joke is on us, America, because this incredibly beautiful American creation of a cheeseburger pizza is not available in the USA. Congratulations, Pizza Hut, you’ve done the impossible: made me become jealous of the fast food options available to people living in the Middle East.

THE “PATRIOT PIZZA,” NOT AVAILABLE IN AMERICA
Why exactly does the Middle East deserve to get this magical creation before the US? Look, I’m all for the spread of democracy. All those various uprisings and young people mobilizing in city squares was incredibly moving to read about as a I skimmed my Twitter feed. I’m not anti-other countries. I’m just anti-other countries having American stuff I can’t have in America.

KEEP YOUR ENEMIES CLOSE, AND YOUR BEST PIZZA IDEAS CLOSER
As a stern opponent to outsourcing, I’m pretty much against exporting our best ideas as well. Pizza Hut – first you open restaurants in non-US locations (very anti-American), then you take two of our greatest creations, pizza and cheeseburgers and mash them together (ok fine, VERY American move) and then you have the audacity to serve this idea exclusively to non-Americans (EXTREMELY anti-American and just TOTALLY uncool). Where is your national pride? More importantly, have you no shame?

Product: F, since it’s only available in the Middle East (A+ if available in America).
Why isn’t this pizza being served in every cafeteria in America helping the future leaders of our country grow up big and strong? They’re stuck eating pepperoni pizza, putting up middling test scores and losing out on all the best tech jobs. American kids need more cheeseburger pizza! I’m running on this platform in 2016.

Messaging: B+
Regardless of where this pizza is available, the message is loud and clear. This is the best pizza that has ever existed anywhere in the entire world. It has mini-cheeseburgers AND it is pizza. It’s so good they announce its arrival to the table by velvet-cloaked trumpeters. White doves wouldn’t have been over the top in this case.

Ad Creativity: C
It’s hard to top last week’s Sonic Ad, but basically all we get here is a couple shots of food porn and the awful revelation that I need to fly over 2,000 miles just to get my hands on one of these beauties. Basically Pizza Hut is saying the only people who’ll be able to get one of these are those lucky one percenters that have tons of cash and private planes to get there. So I guess… pretty American ad after all?


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