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I was making up translations for p'zolo, Pizza Hut's new uh...thing, on the way to work today. Here are some of the better ones.

I was making up translations for p’zolo, Pizza Hut’s new uh, thing, on the way to work today. Here are some of the better ones:

  • Previously frozen machine-extruded bread with foreign stuffing.
  • New World-style carbohydrate pouch of processed meat, etc.
  • Portable calzone-stromboli that is neither calzone nor stromboli.
  • Slightly more expensive Hot Pocket that doesn’t come in any flavors actual Hot Pockets don’t.

Yes, in the never-ending quest to make typically already one-handed foods even more convenient, there is now pizza in a wrap. Last night, one of my roommates was eating not one, not two, but three p’zoli (that would be Italian for plural New World-style carbohydrate pouches of processed meat, etc.)

“Well, there are three kinds. And it was only, like, $8,” he said, dipping his Italian Steak in ranch. 

Hard to argue with that kind of logic. So when he offered me a bite, “in the spirit of food writing,” I took three.

Here we go.

The Buffalo Chicken P’zolo was awful. There is literally no way I can think of making it palatable. I would sooner microwave a buffalo chicken Subway sandwich, compress it between my bare hands, roll it into a tubular shape and chow down. Even drenched in ranch, it was bland, greasy and rubbery.

The Italian Steak could have been tasty, had it not been for the Italian steak with the mouthfeel of thinly pounded textured soy protein. The onions and peppers mingling with the mozzarella was nice, though, and this was one crisp enough on the outside to provide a little textural distinction.

The Meat Trio was actually pretty good. Anyone who grew up in the ’90s, before parents knew frozen processed food was bad, knows the glory of the Hot Pocket. This one tasted just like the Italian-style three meat pizza flavor, and dipped in a little marinara could very well be the new junk food of my dreams. That said, one bite was definitely enough.

So there you have it — Pizza Hut does wraps now. Or envelopes, however you translate p’zolo. While we’re on the subject of the never-ending quest to make typically already one-handed foods even more convenient, Taco Bell now has nachos in burrito form: the Beefy Nacho Burrito. According to the commercial, smuggling one into a baseball game makes you far more likely to catch a fly ball. Plus, fast food hackers everywhere can save themselves a few calories.


What else has Pizza Hut come up with lately? Check out their hot dog stuffed crust pizza.

More wrap updates for lunch on Food Republic: