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hot dog stuffed crust pizza

Now that it’s a relatively accepted practice to cram two fast food concepts into one — the KFC Double Down certainly hit its mark — we sit back and wait until each chain falls prey, one by one, to the curse of total hybridization. Or blessing, if you’re that kind of Darwinist. With the advent of Pizza Hut UK’s new experiment, a sub-par pizza packing tube steak, the ever-present need to utilize all available space has officially been met. 

What really caught my eye, however, was the free mustard drizzle, not depicted in the photo above. They couldn’t possibly charge for something that never went on pizza in the first place. But then again, you can’t fully enjoy the second course of your pizza without…what is a mustard drizzle, anyway? Is it “just mustard?” It sounds like “just mustard.”

The more I overanalyze it, the more questions I have. Are there giant hula hoop-shaped hot dogs just waiting to be folded into crust? What is the circumference of said sausage hoop if the pizza’s diameter is 14 inches? I’m serious, I’m a writer, not a mathematician. It has something to do with pi, right? How does the drizzle work? Mustard doesn’t drizzle, it smears (and, again, absolutely does not go on pizza). 

With all the hullaballoo surrounding the release of the Double Down, one poor defenseless world city at a time, I’m just surprised the UK beat us to this punch line. I feel its US debut is imminent, and as I’m compelled to try all novelty fast food items before they’re discontinued due to grossness (Doritos tacos suck, FYI), I look forward to bringing home this bundle of several joys and further analyzing this so-called mustard drizzle.

Too bad Richard and Matt came back from London just before the beast was unleashed. A photo of the Hot Dog Stuffed Crust Pizza with a Hudson filter slapped over it would have been Instagram gold.