NYE Plans For Every Type Of Relationship

I'm guessing the movie New Year's Eve had some great advice on how to spend the last night of the year. Probably something to do with Zac Efron and balloons. I wouldn't know because I didn't see that movie and hopefully you didn't either, because I'm here to be your one-stop shop on choosing the best way to celebrate the passing of 2011. Last week, I mentioned that there might not be a 2012 if the Mayans' predictions are correct. Ignore that for now. The Mayans love to predict things. They thought marshmallow fluff was going to be the condiment of the future. Boy, were they wrong. So put your thoughts of apocalyptic destruction to rest and let's figure out how you're spending New Year's Eve.

If you're single...

You're going to a house party. House parties are where you're going to find single ladies. Don't bother with clubs offering open bars and DJs for $600 a person – you'll never be able to hear anybody in there. Stick to house parties because you've got the instant "How do you know (insert host's name here)?" conversation starter and a real chance to actually talk to somebody. On top of that, you're bringing something awesome. Pick your best appetizer and go to town. I'd make these homemade potato chips but the choice is yours. You want something that will make people ask who brought that something and then, when a hot girl finds out that you made the awesome homemade chips, you instantly fall in love.

If you're casually dating...

It's always a tough call to know if you should celebrate a holiday together if it's early on in a relationship. Let's assume you're going to do it. This is your first New Year's Eve together. Congratulations! Make it count by doing something awesome. Go see a concert. Go to six different house parties. Pay that stupid $600 cover and listen to DJ Tiesto press play on his MacBook. Have an indoor picnic with all of her favorite foods. The point is to make this a night she'll never forget. You want her to look back and say "New Year's Eve 2011 was the night I really fell in love with him."

If you're in a long-term relationship...

You don't need to do as much impressing. You've already got the girl. Now you have to make sure she's still happy. Don't go to your favorite restaurant. Save that for when you're married. Instead, invite three of your closet friend-couples over for a dinner party. Make that awesome recipe you saw on Food Republic a few months ago. Enjoy your couplehood together. When the ball drops, kick your friends out and do a little more celebrating one-on-one. Just keep the leftovers out of the bedroom.

If you're married (or in a domestic partnership)...

Marriage is hard work. Dinner shouldn't have to be. Make a reservation at your favorite restaurant. Opt for the earlier seating. Then go home, pop in your favorite movie, and enjoy the fact that you're together. If you have kids, ship them off to a friend's house for the evening. This is one night where you should be celebrating another year of your love without any pestering from younger versions of yourselves.

If you're recently divorced...

See "If you're single..." and don't tell anyone you're recently divorced. Nobody wants to hear about your failed marriage. Sorry, buddy. You're single now. It's time to move on. If you can't go a whole night without mentioning your ex, perhaps you'll enjoy spending the evening watching the Food Network. I'm sure they'll be running a marathon of Guy Fieri making man jewelry out of bacon.

Happy New Year!