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BBQ Sauce
Photo: Joshbousel on Flickr

People are into all kinds of crazy things when it comes to sex. With matters of food and sex, I’m all about letting people do whatever makes them happy as long as it doesn’t interfere with my life in any way. That doesn’t mean I understand it, though. Not to go all Seinfeld here, but what is the deal with food in the bedroom? I love eating and sex as much as the next food/dating columnist, but I prefer to keep the two acts separate. I just don’t understand why anyone would want to mix the two.

In my younger years, I used to do a lot of… let’s call it research…by watching the HBO anthology series, Real Sex. For the uninitiated, Real Sex explored all topics along the sexual spectrum from underwater porn to middle-class vibrator parties. In one particular episode (Real Sex 16, but who’s counting?), there was a segment on a seminar that’s half cooking class, half orgy where couples are instructed in the art craft practice of adding food into their sex life. First of all, who’s going to seminars and getting naked? Not this guy. On top of that, though, I’m curious to know when someone decides that chocolate syrup would be a great addition to their regularly scheduled sexual activities.

It just seems so messy to me. I suppose that’s the point. I don’t know about you, but when I think about stuff like this, my mind instantly goes to the cleanup. Do you know how hard it is to get chocolate pudding out of nice sheets? Me neither, and I don’t want to find out. How do you even decide which foods pair with naughty bits? I imagine that sweet stuff works well, but I’ll bet some people try to bring barbeque sauce to bed with them and that’s where I’d definitely draw the line. Nobody puts baby in a human pulled pork sandwich.

The questions just keep piling up for me. Does the sexcapade end when all of the food is eaten? How do you deal with food allergies? Is it best to conduct these activities before dinner or after? Does it count as a meal replacement if you skip dinner altogether? If anyone has the answers to these questions, please fill me in. I don’t want to partake in the festivities; I just want to understand them.

So I guess I’m back where I started. I just don’t get the whole food + sex thing. Separately, they’re very high on my list of favorite things. Together, though, they baffle me. I’m all for spicing things up in the bedroom, but not, you know, with actual spices. Back to Seinfeld for a second, I was recently reminded of the episode where George eats a sandwich in bed. That’s the kind of food/sex mash-up that I can get behind. After all, what’s a little sex to get in the way of hunger?


Read the previous installment of Heart Attack on Food Republic.


OK, here’s your chance to win a desserts cookbook: What foods have you used in the bedroom? Best answer in the comments wins the prize.