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Welcome to Part 2 of our exciting multi-part series, “The Ultimate Bar Scene Pickup Guide”: can’t-miss professional advice on how to woo women in all sorts of scenarios in a variety of different types of drinking establishments. If you missed Part 1, we recommend you go back and check it out before proceeding, as reading this guide out of sequence has been known to cause rectal bleeding in laboratory studies performed on kittens.

In this installment, we’ll be exploring the pickup scene inside a Nightclub, where people young and old (aka creepy dudes) come to dance, swallow hallucinogenic pills and wipe out their bank accounts buying ridiculously overpriced alcohol. Here then are some scenarios involving a desirable woman, and strategies for sealing the deal…

She’s standing alone at the bar:

Bottle service place? Unattached women are the entire point of bottle service. Commit this phrase to memory, “Oh hey, you need a drink? We have a table, come grab one.” Just keep your eyes out, bottle service clubs are also famous for their leeches. And sometimes, unfortunately, leeches are hot. Life isn’t fair, don’t let it get you down. That’s what the rest of that bottle is for.

She’s dancing alone:

There is only one option here. You must dance. And to dance you must commit. And to commit, you must forget one simple fact: the fact that you cannot dance. That is the only thing separating the Hugh Jackmans of the world from everyone else. Well that and a massive Hollywood career. Just remember, that guy got famous by playing a mutant. There’s hope.

She’s laughing, alone:

There is no question here, she is laughing at something. Locate that something and form an instant, extreme opinion about it. Go with something middle of the road and you’ll fade into the background. There’s a chance she’ll think you’re an idiot, but you also have a 50-50 chance she’ll agree with you. Not a bad odds change, considering just a few seconds ago they were none-hundred to zero.

She’s at the bar with a group of guys:

Honesty time. Assess the caliber of these dudes’ awesomeness. Are you playing in another league, or are you dealing with James mother frickin’ Bond here. Because hey, once in a while you’re up against Bond. There’s no shame in it. Just don’t waste all your energy trying to take him down. On the other hand if they’re scrubs, guess who just became James Bond?

She’s dancing with a group of guys:

How do you stand out in a roomful of guys who think they’re the second coming of Travolta? By not taking yourself so seriously. Make faces, get absurdly into it. Do big, space-hogging moves and do them badly on purpose. Most of all show no fear, especially in the face of looking like a fool. If your confidence is bulletproof, so will be your prospects.

She’s doing shots with a group of guys:

Walk up and ask them if they know the difference between chopped vegetables and pea soup. The answer, of course, is that anyone can chop vegetables, but few people can pee soup. That’ll gain you entrée to the group; from there it’s up to you to woo the girl.

She’s dancing with girlfriends:

You have stumbled upon something very very special, you lucky lucky man. Do not, under any circumstances interrupt them. The rest of the men in this place are storing up memories for use at a later date. You should too.

She’s laughing with girlfriends:

Look, you have to understand that the only reason most women are even talking to guys in bars in the first place is that their vibrators can’t buy them drinks. That’s why they’re laughing. So what are we supposed to do about it? Buy them drinks, of course, and hope they let you fill in for the vibrator for a night.

She’s at the bar with a group of guys and girls:

Figure out your strength and work it hard. You’re an unemployed dope-smoker who plays videogames until it’s time to hit the bars. You, my friend, are “creative.” Tell her about some interesting “projects” that you’re “working on.” You got laid off nine months ago and now had to resort to working at Burger King? Great — you can say you work with children. Another approach is to identify common ground, something obvious. For instance, you like surgically enhanced breasts. She has surgically enhanced breasts. So talk to her about what it’s like being a doctor. What’s that? But you’re not a doctor. Okay, but you probably know a few, right? So lead with that. From there you can easily steer the conversation to her ditching her friends and coming home with you.

Next week: Attempting to score dates in dive bars is exciting and dangerous


Other sage advice and spirited musings from Dan Dunn: