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As a professional Imbiber, it is my sworn and sacred duty to spend the bulk of my waking life in drinking establishments the world over, learning everything there is to know about boozing, socializing and, above all, enjoying the company of women. And, fortunately, having a forum such as this one affords me the opportunity to share those hard-won lessons with you, my invisible reader-BFFs.

So over the next however many weeks I feel motivated to do so, I’ll be offering up tips for how to score women in all sorts of scenarios in a variety of different types of bars. I’m calling it “The Ultimate Bar Scene Pickup Guide,” mostly because all the clever titles related to this subject have already been used. This incredibly well-punctuated and wildly entertaining series of posts represents the sum total of my exhaustive research. It is, quite simply, the most useful pickup tool ever created. You're welcome. Good luck.

The setting for our first installment is The Sports Bar, which in addition to being responsible for countless divorces, is also a factor in a large number of DUI arrests, full-scale brawls, illegal gambling rings and chicken wing choking incidents. As a result, men can't seem to get enough of them. Okay, ready? Good. Here are our scenarios and strategies…

She’s sitting alone at the bar:

If she’s wearing team gear, pretend to be a huge fan of that organization no matter how terrible it may be. That means keeping a straight face, for instance, while saying something along the lines of “I love the Chicago Cubs, too!” Then buy her a drink. If she’s a Cubs fan, she’ll need it.

She’s alone, dancing:

She could be the sole UC Santa Cruz alum in the bar, and the women’s volleyball team just won the Division III championship (in which case boogie on up to her and yell "Go Banana Slugs!"), but in all likelihood she’s just good and buzzed. Hence dancing solo in a place where most people don’t even like to expend the extra energy to walk to the restroom. Either way, the Banana Slugs line ought to work.

She’s alone, laughing:

The key is to determine what it is, exactly, she’s laughing at. If it’s the roided-out douchebags at the end of the bar in the Yankees caps and Ed Hardy tees, she’s a keeper. Unless you happen to be one of those douchebags, in which case I can’t help you, pal. Nobody can.

She’s hanging with a group of guys:

With the exception of a few really messed-up sex clubs, there's nowhere men tap into their inner-tools more often than in places where the menus are shaped liked goalie masks and feature meals named after Heisman Trophy winners. So sit tight awhile and let the guys she’s currently wasting her time with show their true colors. Then move in with a dog-eared copy of Tropic Of Cancer and a passable knowledge of international soccer.

She’s dancing with a group of guys:

First determine if there’s a boyfriend in the mix. If not, then figure out which dude is macking on her the hardest and calculate your chances of out-macking him. You’ll also need to decide whether she’s worth getting stomped over. Hey, I never said this was going to be easy. But look on the bright side, if it doesn’t work out, the game’s on!

She’s ordering drinks with her girlfriends:

They’re likely to be drinking something atrocious, but they’re going to think it’s just absolutely positively the best thing, like, ev-ah. Position yourself next to them at the bar then order a Herbsaint Frappé. The words Herbsaint Frappé alone have been proven to be an aphrodisiac. It’s like pheromones. Please use this knowledge responsibly.

She’s dancing with girls:

You, my friend, have hit the motherlode — a sports bar that has not just one, but multiple female persons in it. Better yet, they’re having a good (or bad) enough time there that they’re dancing. Dancing being, of course, about a half-step away from foreplay. There is, of course the possibility that you have run across a WNBA convention. Check for Adam’s apples before proceeding.

She’s laughing with her girlfriends:

Time for a gambit. You need to do something stupid and noticeable. Preferably something that isn’t quite your fault, but nonetheless gets you noticed. Maybe your tie somehow becomes another layer on your burger, maybe you tip too far on your barstool and flail your arms to barely catch yourself. You’re trying to make her laugh at your expense here, be creative. And avoid head injuries.

She’s watching a game with a group of guys and girls:

You either need to become integrated with their group, or she needs to be isolated. Taking a sudden interest in whatever game they came to watch is a good first step. Loudly voicing controversial (yet just shy of insane) views about its major players is a good way to get noticed, just don’t push it too far. Loudly speculating about Carmelo Anthony’s sexual orientation makes you look defensive, not dominant.

She’s dancing with a group of guys and girls:

Abandon ship. These people are dancing when they could be drinking and watching freaks of nature do complicated things with balls. Do you really want to validate this kind of behavior? Know where to draw the line, man, know where to draw the line.

She’s laughing with a group of guys and girls:

There’s no sense in trying to get a piece of their good time. You need to be making your own good time about three seats down the bar. Time for a round of shots on you. But before anyone does theirs they have to say where they lost their virginity, with whom and whether or not this fact is a fond or mortifying memory. Within 5 minutes she’ll be joining your party, not the other way around.

Next week: We venture into The Nightclub

Other sage advice and spirited musings from Dan Dunn: