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As detailed in a recent Facebook status update, I’ve evolved to a point where I am no longer inclined to engage in such antiquated activities as paying attention to my loved ones, reading anything over 140 characters long, spelling out words and phrases (LOL!), or taking a dump without checking my iPhone at least twice while doing so.

Having willingly wrapped myself in the high-tech chains that bind, the bulk of my plugged-in waking life is now spent liberally sprinkling exclamation points throughout responses to texts and notifications from social networking sites (email is, like, soooo 2010, btw… OMG!!! ROTFL!!!), and playing around with the 1,700 or so apps I’ve downloaded to my soon-to-be-outdated, just-released iPad.

Every once in a while I’ll eat, too. Usually Hotpockets, cuz that leaves one hand free to tweet about important things, like how much I think Hotpockets rule. And of course I drink. And tweet and text while doing so. And that never ever ends badly. 

As an avid geocacher, I’m particularly obsessed with apps that employ GPS technology—Waze, iWant, and Automilez, to name a few. I <3 GPS so much that thinking about it made me JEOMK (I know, I know… that was srsly 511!!!). I use my GPS every single time I get in my car, even if it’s just to move it from one side of the block to other on street cleaning day. I mean, c’mon, who has time to pay attention to street signs when you’re busy texting anyway, right? HHOJ!!!!!!

My British friend Charlie told me about a soon-to-be-released app called DatesNearMe, which uses GPS technology to connect singles living in close proximity. Charlie is convinced this app will revolutionize hooking up as we know it, though I’m guessing he only thinks this because he’s from a chichi part of England where they don’t have half as many sexual predators as we do. When it comes to pervy creeps, America is still #1, so GAFL you swishy Brits!!!!

Being that I’m in a serious committed relationship with my electronic gadgetry, I’ve got absolutely no use for DatesNearMe. But it did give me an idea for an app that truly could be revolutionary… DrunksNearMe.

Think about it. You’re sitting at home alone watching the NHL playoffs when you suddenly get the urge to go out, slam a few dozen pints, and get into a scrap with the first idiot who looks at you sideways because you’re wearing a New Jersey Devils terrycloth jumpsuit. You call up your boys, but none of them are available because they’re out using GPS to stalk people.

Knowing it’s a good idea to have backup when you’re picking fights with hockey-hatin’ assholes with no fashion sense, you fire up DrunksNearMe and enter search words like “sports loving cretin,” “duh, winning,” or “Snookie.” Chances are there’s some kindred spirit nearby to join you in your sacred quest. BOSMKL!

Or maybe you just want to meet someone who also appreciates going to wine bars and texting people who aren’t there instead of talking to each other. Need a karaoke duet partner who can hit the high notes in “Leather & Lace”? Is it ladies night down at The Regal Beagle? No prob! Whatever your taste in boozy companionship, DrunksNearMe has your flavor.

Okay then, that’s my .02 for today. Time for me to hit the john and respond to the 400 or so texts I received while writing this post. Oh, crap, and it’s been, like, almost an hour since I last updated my status. Then maybe I’ll Google “venture capitalist boozers” and see about securing some dough to get my new app idea off the ground. But don’t worry, I’ll BBSL, and you can always reach me via Twitter, Facebook, MySpace, my website, and email (yea, yea, I know I said email is out, earlier BOCTAAE … and I’m a little bit old-school sometimes! DNPMPL!!!!

Until next time, IOHLYKYAMY!!!!!

Dan’s book Living Loaded: Tales of Sex, Salvation and the Pursuit of the Never-Ending Happy Hour is available wherever books are sold. Follow Dan on Twitter and Facebook, and hear him on The Imbiber Show podcast.


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