Comedy Time: What If Jack Daniels Joined Match.com?
The bourbon world is filled with gentlemen: Jacks and Jims and Elijahs galore. But who are these whiskey barons? In this edition of The Kessler Report, we dive deep into the souls of America's biggest bourbon personalities in the only way that's relevant to the internet: the online dating profile.
JIM BEAM
About Me
You want a good ol' Boy? You Got him, RASCAL! I'm a Straight Shooter with a need for Speed. On the Weekends, you can Catch me racing Dirt Bikes, bare-knuckle Brawlin', or grilling up some fine ass Steaks. I'll eat Anything, Anywhere and if it's got Bacon on it, I'll eat it Twice. Looking for a Chick who can ride in my Sidecar, so to speak. You gotta be Fun, know how to Party, and know how to Dance. That's it! We're Gonna have one Wild Adventure together, so send me a Line if you want to board the BeamTrain to Funville.
My Life and Ambitions
Good Buds, Good Drinks, Good Times. At the End of the Day, it's about Who you want to Hug and Who you want to Punch. I'm Gonna be Famous.
My Perfect First Date
Two words: Demolition Derby. BOOM.
My Ideal Relationship
I'm Looking for a Woman with Class who likes to have Sex.
You should definitely message me if you...
Wanna get slammered!
MARK, MAKER'S
About Me
I graduated cum laude from a very good school in Boston, but currently travel extensively. I own a condo as well as a lake house, although the lake house is a time-share. You can usually find me at a new restaurant or cool lounge, but in truth, I prefer to stay home and relax after work. I work out regularly and enjoy 10K races on the weekends. Television doesn't interest me, but I appreciate old films. Please don't try to change me. I'm very happy the way I am.
My Life and Ambitions
I'm the vice president of a small manufacturing services company, so I've pretty much reached all of my professional goals. My personal ambitions include seeing a live taping of America's Got Talent, visiting Calgary, and learning to play the harmonica. I'd also like to own a dog, although my allergies make that difficult.
My Perfect First Date
I pick you up in my Audi Q7. You don't know where we're going, but I do. First, we're having tapas. Then, if you're not too full, I secured tickets for us to see Jack Johnson (I love his vibe!). We'll make a quick stop to pick up pour-over coffees on the way home and then I'll drop you back at your door. Perhaps with a goodnight kiss...
My Ideal Relationship
Caring. Respect. Open communication. I'm a responsible adult and I'd like to be involved with someone who possesses similar attributes in the category of maturity.
You should definitely message me if you...
Have any interest in getting intoxicated.
PAPPY VAN WINKLE
About Me
I'm Pappy! I'm a coot! Who are you?
My Life and Ambitions
I might not have much life left in me, but the life I already lived is more than most people get in four lifetimes. I been all over the world and I ain't stopping until I'm dead in the ground. I got four children and sixteen grandchildren and they're my favorite accomplishments. I won all kinds of awards, but the real prize is you.
My Perfect First Date
You like hot air balloons? I do. I'm gonna rent one for us. We'll go up in the air and look down and realize that love is all we got, so we might as well make more! I hope you like ham because I'm bringing a fourteen pound beauty up there with us and we're going to eat it all!
My Ideal Relationship
Ain't no such thing as ideal. There's just good and leave me alone. If you're not good, you best leave me alone.
You should definitely message me if you...
Want to get three sheets to the wind with Pappy!
ELIJAH CRAIG
About Me
I believe in the power and wisdem of the Almightey! God will send you to me and I will make you my imortal bride. Together we shall concur heaven and earth together. I'm a Baptist and I'm good at sharaids.
My Life and Ambitions
Just making my way up to the kingdom. Of heaven!
My Perfect First Date
You come to one of my sermons and fall into a trance of celesteel light. I revive you with the spirit of the Lord. We go out for coffee.
My Ideal Relationship
is with a God-fearin woman!
You should definitely message me if you...
Feel the spirit inside you and want to imbibe responsibly.
JACK DANIELS
About Me
Hey there, ladies. If you're looking for a mellow dude, look no further. I'm super sweet. Some would say I'm too sweet, but I don't know about all that. I was real popular in high school and college, but now I'm just kind of... a regular guy. Just your classic blue collar, get the job done kind of guy. If I'm being honest here, ladies, I do get around quite a bit. I'm from Tennessee originally, but now you can find me pretty much everywhere. I definitely mix well with others and try to act like a gentleman at all times — but that's just another side of me. Know what I mean? Hit me up!
My Life and Ambitions
Don't call me a party boy, but when I show up at a shindig, things can get a little out of control. I work hard and play hard and I leave a pretty strong impression. After a long night with me, you'll wake up the next morning feeling like you really went the distance. My goal is to be friends with everyone, whether they like it or not! You can usually find me out at a bar but I'm also big at house parties.
My Perfect First Date
We go to trivia night at your favorite watering hole. I impress you with my vast knowledge of 90's country rock and minor league baseball. You find me more and more charming as the night goes on and you wake up the next day with the taste of me on your lips. Also, there are drink specials.
My Ideal Relationship
Honestly, I've never been in a committed relationship. Most ladies who start seeing me move on to somebody else for whatever reason. I just want somebody who will stick around.
You should definitely message me if you...
Feel like getting drunk with a good guy.
BASIL HAYDEN
About Me
I was born in Nelson County, Kentucky but I think you'll find me quite a bit more sophisticated than my birthplace suggests. I'm a man of refinement and I care for the nicer things in life. I do own a boat. You may be invited aboard if things go well. I order my steak medium well, as the sight of pink flesh disturbs me. I do callisthenics regularly. My mother is still an important part of my life, but only in a role as a counselor and confidant. Twice before, I have been married. It would be nice to marry again. Please correspond with me if you're interested in a mutually beneficial relationship with a man of good taste and good cheer.
My Life and Ambitions
My life is both admirable and incomplete. I work diligently, but afford myself regular respite to enjoy the totality of humanity. I strive to be a complete man and a sufficient woman is required for this goal.
My Perfect First Date
We meet in a sprawling Parisian park. I approach you with a wicker basket full of picnicking materials. We proceed to discuss Handel and Derrida as we enjoy pieces of baguette slathered in mildly salted butter. Eventually we hold hands.
My Ideal Relationship
One with minimal verbal communication. I'm a quiet man. You should appreciate that.
You should definitely message me if you...
Are interested in some good-hearted inebriation.
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