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It's hypertension! It's a stroke! It's some kind of hot cheese coated with crushed Doritos, just like the old fortune teller predicted! Doritos Loaded arrived at 7-11 locations around Dallas on Tuesday and roll out in Los Angeles tomorrow (leaving a trademark orange trail). 

This latest creation in the brand's notorious repertoire has all the friendliness of a chicken nugget with the added benefit of containing no chicken instead of like, 40% chicken. It's like a mozzarella stick, but is neither stick nor mozzarella. It's the answer to your prayer for concentrated amounts of whatever Doritos coating is made of, and you don't even have to dip it in anything! BUT YOU CAN!!! These are going to be even better than Taco Bell's Doritos Locos Tacos Doritos. You read that right. Doritos Locos Tacos-flavored Doritos. Mull it over for a second. 

Related: Why Does Fast Food Bounce Around In TV Commercials? 

Got two bucks and the gumption to eat this much cheese stuffed into that much cheese in one sitting? Remember, you can't have one, you have to have four. Let's see what Twitter's faithful citizen food critics have to say.

  • "They're #nom! Like a cheesy spicy hush-puppy triangle!"
  • "Obesity in children on the decline. #Doritos answers back:"not on my watch!" 
  • "I conquered this and am a better man for it."
  • "It ain't easy being cheesy."
  • "This should only be available late night…"

But I've found a flaw in their evil genius plan: how are they going to make 'em in Cool Ranch? 

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