Announcing Food Network's 2016 Fall Lineup

Food Network used to be the place where you could see interesting content from some of the world's first Food Media Stars. Emeril bammed his way into your heart while Mario Batali molted into his superhero alter ego, Molto Mario. Marc Summers took you behind the scenes of your favorite foods and Alton Brown became the culinary equivalent of Mr. Wizard. That's not the case anymore. Food Network has gone the route of MTV, evolving from a niche cable network to an almost unrecognizable iteration of their former selves. While you used to watch Rachael Ray pretend to live on $40 a day, now you just watch Guy Fieri drive in his stupid car for hours and hours on end.

In two years, I fully expect the Food Network to go even more over the top with shows that are so dumb they just might work. Here's my whacked out vision for the future of food TV*. Vote for the one you'd actually like to see in the comments!

Buffet Gourmet

The Buffet Dome is a magical place: two chefs enter, but only one can leave. It's a perfect replica of the Bellagio Buffet in Las Vegas, except you never have to deal with dawdling European tourists stacking shrimp on their waffles. With a full buffet at their disposal, the chefs have to prepare a full five-course meal using only the ingredients and utensils found on the buffet line. Who will be crowned Rey de Buffet? Only time will tell.

Farm To Stable

In the equestrian world, the difference between a winner and a loser can come down to the oats. That's where Dr. Martin Edward comes in. He's a horse nutritionist with an eye for talent and a nose for nutrition. The world's first show about horse food follows Dr. Ed as he fine-tunes the diets of the world's fastest steeds. With millions of dollars on the line, Dr. Ed makes sure that his fillies are doing fine. All those in favor, say neigh!

30 Minutes Of Cereal

With limited commercial interruption, watch as people from all walks of life invite you into their homes to watch them eat cereal for 30 minutes straight. The Hollywood Reporter will call it "oddly hypnotic" and Food Network magazine proclaims: "Highest profit margin ever!"

Guy Fieri's Radiator Rodeo

You loved watching him eat slop from strip malls in Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives. You loved watching him make horribly unhealthy food in a fake kitchen with "friends" in Guy's Big Bite. Now, Food Network is combining both shows into one with Guy Fieri's Radiator Rodeo, the only show on TV where an obnoxious host cooks food EXCLUSIVELY ON THE ENGINE OF A FORD MUSTANG. Can Guy make coq au vin on a six-cylinder engine? You'll have to watch to find out!

Is It Poison?

Taped live at Universal Studios in Orlando, FL, this innovative game show takes regular people and turns them into daring food tasters. Four panelists get to try their tastebuds with exotic foods they've never seen before. The catch? One of those foods is completely poisonous. If they're lucky, they leave with their lives. If they get poisoned, they win a really tasteful funeral. Come see the show that makes Fear Factor look like Puppy Hugging.

Puppy Hugging

There is no food involved in this show. There are just puppies and the people who hug them. Start engraving the Emmy now.

*If anyone from the Food Network is reading this, let's talk about turning a few of these into pilots. Have your people call my people!

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