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Brace yourself for a dense forest of Seinfeld references: it’s marble rye time! Whether you brought it as a gift and forgot it in the car, brought it in only to have it disappear, your dad stole it or you’re reeling it up the side of your apartment building on a fishing pole, you might as well know how marble rye is marbled. I mean, people take buses to get that bread.

It is really difficult, spawning a greater appreciation for Jerry’s impulsive theft from that “old bag.” I mean, baking bread that well, floats, is hard enough. But marbled rye contains rye flour, flax seed meal, oat flour, wheat flour and cocoa powder as dry ingredients alone. Then there’s honey AND molasses, shortening, water and all of those Seinfeld references. Hang on, wait. I can’t do this. I need to get a few things off my chest.

  • A four-pound can of black olives is a staple? A forty-eight pack of Eggo waffles? A gallon of barbecue sauce? Ten pounds of cocktail meatballs?
  • They’re all chickens. The rooster has sex with all of them.
  • And who doesn’t serve cake after a meal? What kind of people? Would it kill them to put out a pound cake? Something!
  • Yeah. There ya go. That’s Beef-A-Reeno. I’m so keen-o on Beef-A-Reeno, what a delicious cuisine-o, fit for a king and queen-o!
  • Wait a second! I never baited a hook with a rye before. Your hook is too small. This is for, like, a muffin. 

Okay I’m done. And the big secret is making each color of bread separately and, surprise, rolling them together into one loaf at the end to create a marbling effect. No, really. Everyone, sit down. I’m just a purveyor of information. Here are a few lunches that literally could not be improved more than by engaging marble rye:

Tomorrow: Beef-A-Reeno.

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