I was kind of fixated on the idea of Hipster Olympics after reading TIME’s coverage of this year’s “games” in Berlin. They compete in events like vinyl spinning, tote bag potato sack races, air-keytaring and, of course, the confetti toss. But why not test their culinary abilities as well? Here are the events:
The gymnastics of the Hipster Olympics, so to speak, competitors are judged on their creativity of pickling medium, accompanying playlist and total square footage used: points being awarded for smallest overall space. You’ll see deductions for improper material sterilization, off-brand Ball jar usage, offsides whiskey shots and illegal performance-enhancing kimchi ingredients — the Korean team historically boycotted this event in 1986 and hasn’t competed since. Actual edible yield is not judged (see: Botulism Sudden Death Clause).
The Cheese Grill
In this event, “athletes” source the most expensive cheese they can find — per pound only, bulk wheels are no longer accepted due to cheating in previous years. Points are awarded for length of line from the counter of your food truck, slightly-off fruit and cured meat components and how close to the cent the finished product hits the standard $14 target (adjusted from the 2008 Hipster Olympics for inflation).
Break out the $600 Olympic-grade cast-iron French oven, it’s time for doubles braising! The object here is to open the oven as many times as possible to “see how it’s doing” without the other teammate catching you. The judges are looking for lowest overall oven temperature and longest time until the oxtail is fork-tender. Style points are added for evenly matched eloquent, intelligent or particularly passive-aggressive bickering. Remember: this year’s theme is “The Energy Conservation Conversation.”
A controversial event in the environmentalist community, Meat Substitution challenges the integrity of hardcore vegans. Each competitor must run 26.2 miles to a pile of soy-rizo they must finish, swim half a mile to consume a whole Tofurkey (specially commissioned for the Games), then bike another 25 miles to Coney Island to compete in the veggie link-eating contest.
How they do it all in skinny jeans and suede booties is totally beyond me. Seems sweaty.
More mockery for lunch on Food Republic: