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food and sex

Hollywood loves making movies based on phrases that have entered pop culture. He’s Just Not That Into You, Just Go With It and the upcoming classic Credit or Debit? are all perfect examples. The pitch is easy. “Hey, you know how all the kids are saying ___?” “Oh yeah, I hear that everywhere!” “Let’s make a movie about it!” That was definitely the case a couple of years ago when three separate ideas went into film or TV development based solely on the phrase “friends with benefits.”

The whole FWB concept fascinates me. Basically, you like someone enough to sleep with them, but not enough to actually date them. It’s like being in sex limbo. For the uninitiated (i.e. the over-70 crowd), a friend with benefits is someone who you have sex with but don’t have to make coffee for in the morning. I have all kinds of questions on the subject, but my biggest one is this: What do you eat together when your relationship is purely physical?

When you skip the date and go straight to sex, it’s got to be hard to figure out the role of food. When do you eat? What do you eat? Do you even eat at all? I think the answer is definitely yes. First of all, sex makes people hungry. That’s pretty much a fact. If you’ve got a regular friend with benefits, I imagine it’s good form to keep hook-up snacks around the house. I assume this is where the market for penis-shaped pasta expands beyond bachelorette parties, but are you supposed to ask your booty call what they like to munch on after a roll in the hay? That must be a weird text to assess information from. “Sex tmrw? Btw, cookies or trail mix?”

What if you’re spending more time together than just the three minutes it takes to have sex (kidding) (mostly)? Going on an actual date would formalize the whole situation, so that’s pretty much out. After all, if you’re going out for dinner, then coming home and getting your freak on (holla!), isn’t that dating? If you said no, you may have more than just commitment issues. So your choices are basically limited to take-out and delivery, right?

Personally, I think pizza is the best food for hooking up. After all, who doesn’t like pizza? It’s super convenient and if you have a friend with benefits, you’re obviously into convenience. If your sex friend says no to pizza, I think you have to end it right there. No amount of sex is worth being with an anti-pizzist. I think Papa John’s should come out with a hook-up special: one medium pizza with two condoms and a to-go box to send some slices home with your sex friend. Come on, you’d order the Sex Lover’s Pizza, wouldn’t you?

Sex Lover’s Pizza opens nationwide on April 13th. Check your local listings for showtimes.