Anyone else feel the need to distance themselves from turkey for just a sec before we all descend into kitchen prep chaos tomorrow? Cause I’ve found the perfect distraction. I saw an infomercial for the Happy Hot Dog Man “Frankformer” a couple of months ago, and it’s only because it came up in a dream last night (totally relevent, you had to be there) that I remembered it existed.
The Happy Hot Dog Man is a gadget much like any other. You stick a weenie in, out comes a person. Literally. Put a hot dog in this thing and it slices it in just the right places to make a little man. Wow, there really is no good way to describe how this thing works. Let’s consult the website.
- Boiled or microwaved hot dogs look the best (hey, all hot dogs are beautiful — it’s a subjective thing.)
- Use hot dogs of regular thickness (what’s regular? Is mine regular?)
- Use regular length hot dogs: 5-6 inches (f*ck this, I’m getting out the ruler)
And if you’d like to turn yours into a caveman, Ivan Drago from Rocky IV, or a hula girl (whatever gets your relish…uh…going), simply consult their handy design guide.
Don’t feel like cluttering up your kitchen with yet another gadget you need so badly? Then the noodle weenie is for you. It would be really great if I were kidding, and will be really great if you have a kid who refuses to eat. Sadly, the noodle weenie is a new, sparcely-recognized breed of hot dog with spaghetti built right in, as you can see above. Just thread spaghetti strands through weenie chunks and boil. If that isn’t the single classiest thing you’ve ever put ketchup on, I recommend our taking our formal caviar setup to lows we could never imagine.
So in anticipation of dry, flavorless turkey (unless you use our recipe for briny exotic goodness), sink your teeth into a nice, juicy, needlessly dressed up dog or two. They’re great padding if you want to start our Thanksgiving drinking game a little early. BLACK FRIDAY! Oops, two sips.