Oh, foodies. You’re so cute. But compared to us drinkies (new term alert!), you haven’t got a clue. You think slapping bacon on chocolate is progressive. We use science to chemically alter the cellular composition of alcohol to infuse it with the very essence of bacon. It’s called fatwashing and it’s just one of the many things you’re well versed in if you’re a cocktail snob. Here are a few more.
1. There is no debate in the jigger-versus-free-pour debate. Jiggers are, of course, the only way to go and you would never actually patronize a bar that free-poured its booze, but you believe it’s important for a bartender to know how to free-pour — you know, in case of emergency.
2. You are serious about ice. So much so that you have a guy for it. As in, someone who delivers cubes to your door shaped like oversized jewels, hand carved from wild ice illicitly harvested off the coast of Newfoundland. Each cube is graded, like a diamond, for cut, clarity and density. You have a whole series of shots on Instagram of your designer rocks, which are so crystal clear in the glass they’re invisible.
3. You covet Japanese barware. It’s all you use. You even found this obscure Japanese barware polish made of crushed bamboo charcoal and cherry blossoms. It’s the only substance other than top-shelf liquor you’ll allow to touch your precious gilded shaker and bar spoon, forged in silence by Zen monks in the shadow of Mount Fuji. When Cocktail Kingdom sends out an email announcing a new shipment, your heart does a little dance.
4. You make your own bitters. And tinctures. And exotic fruit syrups. You’re not going to be caught out by another Angostura shortage with the rest of the plebs. But you have four bottles stashed just in case.
5. About Jerry Thomas. You’re friends with him on Facebook.
6. Punch. You have it on pretty good authority that Harry Craddock himself once used your vintage crystal punch bowl.
7. That thing about stumping the bartender. You don’t mean to be a jerk, but you find it rather shocking that the bartender you were served by last night didn’t even know how to make a Knickerbocker Special No. 8. It’s a total classic. Look it up.
8. You are sooooo over speakeasy-style bars. Except for that new one hidden in the beer fridge of a bodega in Williamsburg that you can only gain access to by saying the secret password — in Korean — to the old lady behind the cash register. (Hint: it’s Penicillin.)
9. You are soooooo over Tales of the Cocktail. Especially because it used to be so much cooler before it got all commercial. But you still haul ass to New Orleans in god-forsaken ball-sweating July each year. Because you can’t, like, not go.
10. You have this bottle of rye whiskey that is so small-batch that the mini-micro-distillery that makes it is located in the broom closet of some guy’s mom’s house in Lower Haight.
11. You have this bottle of rum that is so overproof the Navy used to ration it out as a gentle mist spritzed into the mouths of seamen.
12. You have this bottle of craft gin infused with so many locally sourced botanicals that it’s taken you multiple blind tastings to identify them all. But you’re pretty sure you have.
13. You have this bottle of Scotch so peaty that one sip leaves you with smoke breath for a week.
14. You wouldn't even think about owning a bottle of vodka. But your friend is getting his hands on one made from single-estate-grown heirloom potatoes plucked from the inky volcanic soil by flaxen Swedish virgins and aged in French oak casks at the bottom of the Baltic Sea. You might be into it.
15. You barrel-age cocktails. And you feel sorry for the poor saps who drink seconds-old Negronis. Sadly, they don’t know the depth and complexity of one that’s 12 weeks mature.
16. You use the same mustache wax brand you’re favorite bartender turned you on to. Now your whiskers gleam like his do.
17. Your home bar has Fernet on tap with a custom-designed Fernet-dispensing system. It was so worth it. Hey, you just like the taste of it.