What Your Steak REALLY Says About You

Jan 23, 2013 4:02 pm

Laid-back guy? Cheap beer fan? Find your beef here.

Ah, a baked potato with your steak guy. You're all about the whips and chains, right?
Ah, a baked potato with your steak guy. You're all about the whips and chains, right?
 

I was raised in the Midwest where beef is king, so it makes sense that I bow at the Altar of the Bovines. I love steak. I love it so much that when my internist implored me to swap beef for more vegetables in my diet, I swapped internists (she also stopped accepting my insurance, so it was a pretty easy choice). Basically, I'm a steak-based dude. Back in August, Todd Simon (fifth-generation heir to the Omaha Steaks empire) wrote an article for Fox News (huh?) on what your steak says about you, based on an “informal survey” at his company.

The results are, for lack of a better word, stupid. I'm a ribeye guy and apparently that makes me “laid-back” with a “maverick spirit?” Child, please. People who eat filet are “tender-hearted?” Come on. Since the results seem so arbitrary, I decided to make my own steak-based personality profiles — comparing my responses with the guy from Omaha Steaks. The results are below.

Filet Mignons
They say: “Mild-mannered, tender-hearted, meticulous and enjoys simple elegance.”
I say: “Lover of vintage Jordache jeans, well-groomed, prone to wearing briefs when boxer briefs are readily available, claims to love wine but can't name a single label he enjoys.”

Ribeyes
They say: “Even-tempered, strives for balance in life and has laid-back attitudes with a bit of a maverick spirit.”
I say: “Watches college hockey, offers cheap beer to guests even though better options are in the fridge, uses GPS despite knowing the directions by heart, close talker.”

Strip Loins (a.k.a. New York Strip)
They say: “Passionate and somewhat indulgent, with strong personalities and take-charge attitudes.”
I say: “Frequent masturbator, European history buff (with a focus on the Balkan states), strange affinity for horse culture, so racist.”

Top Sirloins
They say: “Mainstream with a down-to-earth philosophy on life and a 'what you see is what you get' attitude.”
I say: “Enjoys the smell of gyms, Coldplay fan, vacations at all-inclusive resorts, refers to you as 'buddy' when he can't remember your name.”

T-Bones
They say: “Has strong convictions and prefers the outdoors and the wilderness, although they are also known to possess a somewhat sensitive side.”
I say: “Favorite show is Storage Wars, owns a bike but never rides it, puts Sriracha on everything, got lost in a mall as a child.”

Now it's your turn, friends. Name your favorite steak in the comments and tell me what volumes it speaks of you.

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