Last year I wrote about how playing a drinking game can help you through a stressful Thanksgiving with too many cooks in the kitchen. Some highlights:
Take one sip each time:
- Someone opens the oven door with no intention of basting, letting out valuable heat and contributing to the turkey’s dryness
- Someone mentions the turkey’s dryness
- Someone blames the turkey’s dryness on someone else
- The turkey complains of dryness (this should happen eventually, depending on how frequently the affliction is mentioned by others)
This year I’d like to raise the bar. This year isn’t about surviving — it’s about thriving. Creativity is key. Welcome to the 2012 Extreme Thanksdrinking Challenge! Break out the shotglasses. How many of our BMX imbibing challenges can you complete before the night is over?
- For every gravyback. Yup, gravyback. Try it with bourbon. You know, the one named after a wild turkey.
- For each kid under 6 you can convince to eat a raw cranberry, with half a point for each additional raw cranberry you get them to consume.
- For every legit Thanksgiving-themed lolcat photo. We’re talking dinner roll helmets, hollowed-out orange helmets, mini football helmets, turkey frills on paws, ominous stares at the resting turkey — really, just go nuts.
- For every drink crafted and consumed using the glaze packet that came with the ham.
- If you sneak a can of beer (empty of course, because you just chugged it) into the roasting turkey’s cavity, take a photo of beer can turkey, and get out of there before someone whacks you with a wooden spoon. Instagram hashtag: #FRturkey
- For freezing the drunkest person’s car keys in an ice cube tray. Add a few cranberries if you’re going for “festive,” provided of course you haven’t fed them all to children.
- Single and your family’s concerned you’ll die alone? Adjust their idea of “concerned:” Save a seat for your new “girlfriend,” feed the seat a plate, finish. Feed the seat drinks, finish. Bonus point for getting to dessert without anyone stopping you.
- For every relative who hasn’t taken a shot in 30 years or more you can persuade to take a shot. Helpful hints: Jewish guilt, crocodile tears, puppy faces and “you used to be cool, Uncle Jeremiah,” all work smashingly.
- For every drink of someone else’s you steal, lick, yell “my germs,” and finish.
- If you can sneak turkey frills onto the bird, made of course out of torn-out pages from porno magazines. Here’s how.
I already feel like I’ve been disowned from Thanksgiving and I haven’t even showed up with my tray of awkward ethnic appetizers nobody will eat.
More great Thanksgiving advice on Food Republic: