In today’s competitive restaurant environment, chefs and restaurateurs need to stand out if they want to stay in business. That might mean hiring a liberal arts college graduate to stand out front to hand out coupons. Or it could mean adding a nacho appetizer on the menu. Just, because, well, nachos work.

In America, cuisine needs to be constantly updated — and restaurateurs are up to the challenge. Sometimes. You can look no further than pizza crust as an example. Once a built-in handle that made it easier, and neater, when shoving pizza mouth-ward, it is now filled with all types of revenue-generating enhancements – cheese, sausage, hot dogs and bacon. Roller-skating waitresses, drive-thrus, all-you-can-eat chicken wing night, restaurants made entirely of ice, Arby’s – there is always something new on the culinary cutting edge. So let me suggest a few ideas for new restaurants looking to succeed.

Heckler’s
Are you an irritating sports fan? Does your attitude often reflect how well your favorite team did the night before? Do you paint your face? Are you over the age of 12 and own an actual game jersey? Then Heckler’s is the place for you.

Heckler’s is not your typical sports bar. Instead, we encourage the very nincompoop behavior of overeager sports fans that alienate them from friends and loved ones. At Heckler’s, you are free to throw food, slam fists and scream obscenities at perfect strangers who might have the lunatic idea that it is okay to support a team other than yours. See that television on the wall? If the little guys dressed in the color that you favor do anything to upset you, feel free to rip it off the wall and hurl it across the restaurant – we have dozens more in storage, and we’ll just hook up a fresh flat screen TV.

And don’t confine your obnoxious behavior to the sports scores. We appreciate – nay, we demand – that customers heckle the wait staff. Heckle them about your order. Heckle them if the beer isn’t cold enough. Heckle them if the food does not taste right, or if your marriage isn’t going well, or if you just didn’t sleep well last night. If you notice any ethnic or physical issues with your waiter – feel free to heckle the poor minimum wage slob for those as well. In fact, if your heckles manage to get under your waitress’ skin to the point she drops a dish, we’ll give you 10 percent of your check.

Most restaurants expect diners to “be on their best behavior” and “treat others kindly” and “mind their manners.” But at Heckler’s, we just want your money and do not care how awful of a human being you are.

Hummer’s
A revolutionary restaurant fashioned after the Hooter’s concept, Hummer’s serves an entirely unique protein: Hummingbird meat.

Everything on the menu consists of hummingbird: Hummingburgers, Humming-Strip Steaks, Barbecue Hummingribs, Buffalo Hummingwings, you name it. And all of the meat is farmed at an organic hummingbird ranch, where millions of the birds are slaughtered and processed each day. As it turns out, the hummingbird is even lower in saturated fat and cholesterol than ground turkey. The Hummingbird-Chuckwagon-Chili is served with four species along with a dollop of sour cream and loaded with cheddar cheese. The Pulled Hummingpork Sandwich is slathered in a rich, Hummer’s secret sauce.

Most Americans are sick to death of chicken and pork and beef and turkey. We need another species we can breed, slaughter and stuff into a bun or taco shell. Just say the word: hummingbird.

Baby Pomodoro’s
There’s something romantic about Italian restaurants. But there’s something romantic, and also very unique, about Baby Pomodoro’s. While most restaurants serve the meats and organs of animals that have grown large enough to slaughter, at Baby Pomodoro’s all of the meat dishes are made from the adorable flesh of baby animals.

Each meat is certified organic baby and guaranteed slaughtered before the age of one: baby chickens, baby cows, baby lambs, baby fish, baby rabbits, baby turkeys, baby turtles if you’re into that type of thing. The sausage is made of ground up baby pigs with spices from the Old Country, which in the case of the Pomodoro family is Scranton, Pennsylvania. The salads are made of leaves and tomatoes that were ripped out of the ground before they ripened. The waiters even act like children.

Something happens to things as they age: They get old. And just like humans, oftentimes animals grow cynical and pessimistic, and the sophisticated palate can detect those tastes when biting into a chicken Parmesan, or a ribeye steak. But at Baby Pomodoro’s, each meal is certified baby, the animals slaughtered before they were too stupid to know what was happening, creating a delicious, gullible, cute experience for diners. Senior citizens are, of course, welcome and should not read too much into the restaurant’s theme.

Déjà Vubees
There has never been anything like Déjà Vubees. And you know what else? There has never been anything like Déjà Vubees.

The restaurant is rigged with cameras — with televisions showing footage of what just happened five minutes ago. So while you and your friends are trying to decide between the nachos and the potato skins, the televisions visible from your table are showing the waitress taking your drink order five minutes earlier.

Who doesn’t love déjà vu? Sports bars are so 1990s. Customers today are obsessed with themselves. Waitresses do strange things like take your order, then come back a few minutes later and take your order. And the kicker is that whatever you order, you get two of them. This is done for two reasons: 1) Déjà Vubees can charge more per entrée and 2) People are fat.

Déjà Vubees also keeps track of what customers order and gives it to them the next time they dine there, even if customers order something else. It’s dinner, served with a side of what-the-f*ck just happened?


Jon Methven is a writer based in New York City. His novel, This Is Your Captain Speaking, is available at the bookseller of your choice or here. His work has appeared at The New York Times, Buzzfeed, The Awl, Timothy McSweeney’s Internet Tendency and New York Magazine. Visit jonmethven.com for information.