How To Eat And Drink On Valentine's Day

Feb 2, 2012 2:01 pm

Single, married, or divorced we've got you covered

Photo: puzzledmonkey on Flickr
Be sure to have a stock of candy hearts on hand if you're hitting the Valentine's Day bar scene.

Valentine’s Day is one of those holidays that you either love or hate. For some people, memories of grade school shoebox snubs have left lasting impressions that can only be forgotten with industrial doses of vodka. For others, V-Day is a reminder of just how lucky in love they really are. I’m a big believer in love and I believe Valentine’s Day, no matter how cheesy it is underneath it all, can be the perfect time to break out the grandest of love gestures.

Last week, I gave you some terrible options to avoid in your Valentine’s Day celebrations. This week, I’m breaking down the best options based on your situation. Romantic dinners are fine, but save those for another night. Nobody wants to celebrate their burning desires at a 6 pm seating with a set menu of fish or beef. This is Valentine’s Day, not your best friend’s wedding (unless you’re having a My Best Friend’s Wedding-themed Valentine’s Day for some reason). So pull up a chair, find your category, and get ready for the best Valentine’s Day ever – Heart Attack-style.

If you’re single…
Bar. Bar. Bar. Bar. Bar. Bar. Bar. Go to a bar. It will be filled with other single people. Find one that doesn’t look too sad. Offer to buy her a drink. When she says yes, reach into your pocket and pull out your box of candy hearts (note: you need to buy a box of candy hearts for this to work). Hand her a candy heart and go to get her drink. When you come back, give her another candy heart. Now she’s yours forever. Or at least until you both wake up with nose bleeds after chopping and snorting all those candy hearts.

If you’re casually dating…
Don’t go overboard. Too much Valentine’s Day in a nascent relationship leads to confusion. Unless you’re proposing the next day, keep it light. Find a place that absolutely positively is not having a special Valentine’s dinner — I find tiny ethnic places to be perfect for this – and have an amazing meal where you just enjoy each other’s company. You get bonus points if you introduce your casual special someone to a kind of food they’ll never forget. Maybe some pho, Armenian soujouk, or Israeli burekas would do the trick. Your goal should be to make it memorable for the experience, not for the occasion. Then go home and knock some boots.

If you’re in a long-term relationship…
Guys! I have the best idea ever! Sometimes Valentine’s Day can get a little “hey, where’s my ring?” Right? Ignore the pressure and have the best Cupid’s Birthday ever (I’m pretty sure that’s what the holiday celebrates). I like to call this idea Attack of the Clichés. Make your V-Day all meta by throwing every cliché in the book at your lady. Have a candlelit dinner on a hot-air balloon while listening to a harpist try to play and not fall out of the sky at the same time. When you land, go home to a bed full of teddy bears holding hearts and fill your bathtub with pink champagne and rose petals. Bath time then naked time then sleep. That’ll take her mind off of rings, don’t you think?

If you’re married (or in a domestic partnership)…
Spend the evening making children. I’m not kidding. Do it. Procreate. Forget about food. No. Don’t. You need some sustenance in there. Get some PowerBars and head to the bedroom. Multiplying is hard work, after all. Why am I so insistent about this? Because babies with birthdays in mid-November make me laugh. You might as well just name them Valentine’s Sex. “Hey Val, happy birthday. You know your parents conceived you on Valentine’s Day, right?” Yep.

If you’re recently divorced…
Maybe you should just sleep this one off, tiger.

Read the previous installment of Heart Attack on Food Republic.


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