My first piece of candy, Thursday night, was awesome. I believe it was a Sour Punch Straw I was sucking some horrid candy corn-infused vodka cocktail through. My final piece of candy last night was beyond awful (and I really like Baby Ruth). Now I have all this packaged-up sugar that people gave me even though I wasn’t trick-or-treating even a little, and a wild case of the sugar shakes. My pancreas hurts. I bought a pair of glittery wings half-off from the Halloween store at like, 10PM, and called myself the “last-minute fairy,” a display of apathetic shamelessness that set me up for quite the night. Plus, now there’s glitter all over my apartment.
Now let’s discuss stomach padding. Nope, not your beer gut, put that thing away. I’m talking about what you eat for lunch when you know you’re going to be drinking heavily before dinner. Fettucine alfredo continues to be my impenetrable secret weapon, and I highly recommend its cement-like properties to anyone hitting a happy hour and then a bar, then a party, maybe another bar, and…oh right, it’s 1AM and I haven’t eaten yet. I mean, you haven’t eaten yet. One has not yet eaten. Yeah, that’s it. This is how one sets one up for disaster.
“Nah, it’s cool, I had like, eight Reese’s, and peanut butter has protein.”
“If I eat, it’ll soak up all the candyhol.”
“FRIES!” (actual smart move.)
And inevitably, especially when Halloween is on a Monday and
you’ve one has been exploiting one’s ability to regulate insulin for four straight days and raiding the fridge fiercely when one gets home, one finds oneself with a pile of candy as the only sustenance in sight.
This being a column about what to eat for lunch, consequently, I would like to recommend on this extremely bright, super-loud Tuesday morning (AHEM!) a hearty box of coconut water (not the flavored stuff), a bacon, egg and cheese and finally, some sort of dramatic, purging cleanse.
Tomorrow: a salad.