Meat and Livestock Australia sure did spend a lot of resources on this terrible ad. Now don’t get me wrong, Australian lamb is about as delicious as meat gets, but holy various gods is this video as tone-deaf as their last one. I don’t even know what happens during the last 15 seconds of the spot, because I stopped watching. That’s right, I’m driving with my eyes closed, folks. Buckle up.

First off, you don’t need to introduce your satirical commentary on our current divided political climate by telling your audience it’s a satirical commentary on our current divided political climate. That makes it less satirical (bordering on no longer satirical) and almost entirely glib. This is like a bad version of one of those 1960s-era two-minute-long jingle commercials, except they contributed nothing original, simply ripping off an existing musical. And poorly at that, at least have some sultry Latinos in the dance number — have they ever even seen West Side Story?

Second, at no point in the script is lamb’s inherent deliciousness addressed. You see actual lamb maybe three times, briefly, in the entire three minutes. That should be their main selling point, even their only selling point. Lamb is juicy, flavorful, versatile, loved all over the world, healthier and more sustainable than beef. How does jabbing at sore political wounds, particularly gay marriage utilizing the incredibly dated Adam and Steve adage, highlight any of that? For the love of Maria, don’t hawk lamb under the guise of peace and unity. The political climate is divided for a thousand reasons, and can’t be boiled, grilled or otherwise processed down to pacifism if the driving force behind the effort is capitalism. (999 reasons to go.)

Third, where can I get one of those switchblade forks?

And finally, the enduring tagline “You Never Lamb Alone” (which is where I stopped watching) is just awful and I don’t know what it’s a play on, if it’s a play on anything. Are we still murdering West Side Story? Can I bring a side dish or dessert? What was that show on Nickelodeon in the early 90s where kids struggled up a big mountain made of glitter and dreams? I’ve lost my train of thought, due to too many loose ends gathered up into a ball of loose end crap, and am too distracted for want of a switchfork to go on.

In conclusion, I will continue buying this delectable Australian protein because it absolutely rocks; however I will grimace slightly when doing so until I forget this ad exists. See you next year for another round of “Meat and Livestock Australia Tries Too Hard To Sell You Lamb.”