For some reason, I'm just not motivated to drink unless I'm beating someone else at something, or in this novel case, watching BBC's Planet Earth — one of my favorite television series ever. It's my happy place, bedtime story and favorite thing to have on in the background. Seriously, watch the "Shallow Seas" episode and tell me that narrator, explorer and all-around wilderness master Sir David Attenborough doesn't possess the best voice of all time.
Now enhance that feeling with several shots of fine brown liquor, and you've got way more respect for those salmon heading upstream. This drinking-game meme has already been shared like crazy, so in honor of the new flower species discovered by botanists in Gabon and named Sirdavida solanona this week, I composed Sir David A. a full-on drinking safari, rife with natural beauty (and danger). Prepare to overtoast a legend, episode by episode:
"From Pole to Pole"
This one's for the penguins! Those guys huddle together in Antarctica for four months with no sunlight or food. Every time you feel compelled to say "that would suck so much," take a shot out of a bottle straight from the freezer because you know what else they don't have? Shot glasses.
The best part of the "Mountains" episode is the first-ever video footage of a snow leopard in the wild. Break out your most expensive booze, whatever it may be, and sip slowly while you marvel in the rare majesty of this moment.
Hydrate. There are still many episodes to go. Have some salmon, if you wish. Now have a Coors Light, because the Grand Canyon was created by the Colorado River.
Know what's aged in caves? Besides 10,000 layers of impacted guano? Wine. Excavate that cork and drink away the possibility that you'll have a nightmare about the cockroach scene.
It's time for an extra-cold drink, as one might find in a hallucination of a desert oasis with a well-stocked bar. You need a frozen Dark 'n Stormy immediately, sipped gradually over the rest of the game in honor of the rare Bactrian camel, a resident of the Gobi that eats snow painstakingly slowly to survive. Fun fact.
This is an easy one. Enjoy the aurora borealis and soothing whale noises with a vodka shot from an actual ice cube.
All right, it was going to come to this. That asshole wolf ran down and shanked that poor baby caribou who was innocently trying to migrate. Let's drink to the baby caribou. The world is cruel.
A predator approaches. It's a big thing of Jungle Juice, a.k.a. booze, juice mix, sliced oranges and a little Kool-Aid powder. Where will "fight or flight" take you? Fight? Okay, fight it is.
EVERYONE IN THE POOL!!!
Good swim. Now that we're refreshed, perhaps a piney, juniper-y gin and tonic? It would be deciduously a good idea. See? We still remember high school science. Hmm…we still remember high school science….
Pass out to the dulcet tones of the mighty blue whale, largest creature on earth, who probably couldn't stomach this whole game, either, not even with a stomach the size of a Silverado. You may experience auditory hallucinations of Sir David Attenborough saying, "You should be ashamed of yourself. Have you no restraint?" But even this sounds wonderful.
Bonus "behind-the-scenes" footage
This really good hangover sandwich.
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