Screw you, fourth graders. September isn't about new backpacks and brown bag lunches, it's about new TV shows that aim to capture our hearts and minds. There's so much hope, so much promise. It's just like the beginning of a new romantic relationship when you haven't yet discovered that your paramour is…well, I won't ruin the surprise. Unfortunately, new TV shows let us all down more often than deadbeat dads promise to take their kids to the circus (note to self: pitch Deadbeat Circus Dads as a new TV show for next season…)

Instead of dealing with the inevitable letdown, let's reimagine the lineup in a way that will make them successful in everyone's book: with food. Time to use the "dramatic preview voice."

  1. Manhattan Love Story (ABC)
    Every new romantic comedy needs a hook. Manhattan Love Story's is voiceover. That's not all, though. It's the first romantic comedy where two iconic New York street foods fall in love. He's a dirty water dog from the Upper East Side. She's a knish from Tribeca. Can they ever get over their differences and learn that their shared love of mustard will conquer all? It's a story you'll only hear in the Big Apple — let's just say things get messy – and hilarious! Or whatever, I don't know. Clearly lots of sexual innuendos here, so if that's your thing…
  2. State Of Affairs (NBC)
    This political drama will have you on the edge of your seat when Grey's Anatomy alum Katherine Heigl returns to the small screen as Charleston “Charlie” Tucker, a CIA analyst who's tasked with briefing the president on national security every morning. The only snag? Charlie's a giant wheel of parmesan cheese. Watch Heigl give the performance of her life as a 24-month aged Reggiano trying to make her way through the White House without getting shredded.
  3. How To Get Away With Murder (ABC)
    Shonda Rhimes. Legal thriller. Viola Davis. Excited yet? This new show takes legal drama back to where it starts: law school. Watch as Viola Davis teaches a room full of law students the ins and outs of legal defense as it relates to one case the entire season: the food poisoning of a high-ranking government, traced back to a picnic. Was it the potato salad, the fried chicken or maybe (just maybe) the cole slaw. Will this be the first law/slaw hit the world has ever known? Only Shonda knows.
  4. Bad Judge (NBC)
    If you liked Bad Santa and Bad Teacher, you'll LOVE Bad Judge. This new single-camera comedy takes that time-honored trope of "the bumbling fool with their professional life in order and personal life is in shambles" and turns it on its head! A judge (played by Kate Walsh) exclusively presides over trials involving Yelp. She decides the fate of restaurants suing Yelp for unfair business practices or customers for unfair Yelp reviews, Yelp suing restaurants for slander, customers suing Yelp for filtering their one-star review and just about any other Yelp-related lawsuit. It's a laugh riot every week when a quirky judge says you're out of order…when she can't even understand the process of ordering out!
  5. Forever (ABC)
    Ioan Gruffudd stars as a Henry Morgan, a New York City medical examiner with a secret: he's a Twinkie. Despite the fact that he works with the NYPD every day trying to find medical evidence of crimes, not a single detective has pieced together the facts that Morgan is a giant yellow snack cake. And, honestly, why should they? Are you some sort of anti-Twinkist or something? In our modern world, it's nice to see a show that doesn't focus on the fact that the main character happens to be different and/or filled with cream.

Is it time for the mid-season replacements yet? 

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