A wine snob is a particularly posh type of creature and most certainly not to be confused with a wine geek. Geeks are wine lovers who seek out obscure grapes, unknown wine regions, unconventional winemaking methods. Geeks geek out over acidity levels, yeast strains, brix. Wine snobs, on the other hand, are a different type of oenophile. Pretentious, insufferable, as concerned with what’s on the bottle as what’s inside. If you’ve ever glimpsed that look in someone’s eyes as you pontificate on “good years” and the correct glassware, a look that suggests that person is about to punch you in the face, we hate to break it to you, but you might a wine snob. Here are 17 other signs:
1. You decant like a fiend. In fact, you think nothing of calling a restaurant a day ahead of your reservation to ask them to decant the bottle you intend to drink at a prescribed hour to give it time to breathe before your arrive. You have even requested they use a specific decanter that you feel does a better job than their lesser vessels.
2. Your dream house is about 17% wine cellar. In the meantime, while you’re still living in your cramped one-bedroom apartment in the city, you’ve resigned yourself to monthly energy bills of at least $300 so that you can run your four mini wine fridges continuously.
3. You not only insist on the correct stemware, but audibly cringe at the use of tumblers, generic wine glasses, goblets, cups and those god-awful stemless wine glasses that have somehow weaseled their way into polite society.
4. When a fellow dining companion grips his or her glass at the bowl instead of the stem, leaving grubby little fingerprints all over it and perceptibly raising the wine’s temperature a half-degree from ideal, you gasp. Occasionally, such a transgression will cause you to have to excuse yourself to collect yourself in the ladies’/men’s room.
5. You take wine with you on the plane. But because of current regulations, you’re forced to carry a dozen 3-oz. bottles. Actually, this is a really smart way to travel and your non-wine snob friends should take note.
6. You know every good vintage of Burgundy, Bordeaux and Napa in recorded history. And everyone knows you know this because you take every remotely relevant opportunity to remind them. Remembering friends’ and family birthdays, however, is beyond you.
7. You don’t buy wine from bad years and you don’t understand wine geeks who find this to be a fun challenge.
8. You collect more wine than you drink.
9. You won’t collect anything below 94 points.
10. You prefer to collect bottles that are older than you are or at least would have reached puberty were they people.
11. On your last trip to wine country, you tasted the vineyard dirt, then quickly spat it out realizing this is more of a hippie wine geek thing to do.
12. You’ve developed a swirling tic. It causes you to swirl everything – coffee, water, empty air, your two-year-old niece.
13. You can detect boysenberry, slate, coconut, honeysuckle, a hint of nutmeg, a soupçon of baby feet and just the echo of a whisper of puppy breath in a wine. All on the nose, of course. Don’t even get you started on the mid-palate.
14. You believe butterfly corkscrews, rabbits and other idiot-proof bottle-opening devices are harbingers of evil and that the only civilized way to uncork a bottle of wine is an old-fashioned sommelier’s corkscrew or, in the case of champagne, a saber.
15. You won’t even touch screw-top wine. You’ve heard nasty rumors about wine being stored in boxes, but refuse to accept this as true.
16. If the wine list is delivered to someone else at your table and they don’t immediately pass it to you for you to make your inevitably wise and insightful selection, you are at very serious risk of having a conniption. If someone else actually orders the wine instead of you, they can expect you to utterly lose your shit and flip the table, Real Housewives of New Jersey–style.
17. Your annual wine budget is on par with your car payments. And you have absolutely no problem with that.
Find out if you're another type of snob, on Food Republic: