The spirits of the billions murdered have risen to deliver The Vegan Sellout List – an online directory of those who have regressed from moral consistency to moral depravity.
Such is the creed of exvegans.com, the new place to air your (formerly) animal product-free pal's sprouted laundry on a national level. Were they only vegan for three days, then "forgot" and wolfed a 2 a.m. slice? Yes, they were. Were they only pretending to be vegan the whole time, consuming fistfuls of Doritos Locos Tacos-flavored Doritos when their only competition — other vegans' — backs were turned? You people disgust me. Toying with the subject matter is as serious as no longer eating cheeseburgers. Or cheese. OR BURGERS. Some people to make an example of:
- Heather, 30, San Francisco: vegan for 11 months, then went Paleo
- Claire, 19, Dallas: just doesn't like anything, not actually vegan
- Bruno, 26, Philadelphia: became a purveyor of high-end meats
- Phil, 48, St. Paul: militant vegan until chest pains subsided
- Grandma Norma, 86, Boca Raton: vegan until the end of last Tuesday's Dr. Oz
These people must be humiliated in a way only a Mean Girls-style burn directory could accomplish. Think of that person, that scum who manipulated you and others into truly believing he or she would no longer be joining in on the good parts of the summer grill — you know, the parts where nobody stops by the supermarket to pick up veggie dogs — and tell the world they're full of…well, not excessive amounts of fiber, that's for sure.
Vegan? Send hate mail, they love it.
Editor's note: I briefly dated a guy who took me to Minetta Tavern knowing I love the burger, revealed his veganism, then proceeding to berate me through the entire burger. It was still crazy delicious. I eventually caught him eating turkey pepperoni.
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