With February only two days away, it’s important to know what’s in store for you. Luckily, you’ve come to the right place. I recently ingested a cup of tea made from really magical tea leaves and I think there were some magic beans in there, too, but honestly they could have just been boba. I should have asked more questions, but the witch/homeless woman didn’t seem very talkative and I like to just roll with things when I’m drinking tea that I purchased on the street. Anyway, I’ve developed a pretty serious case of thrush as well as a minor case of ESP. I’m treating the thrush with Cipro, but you’re getting treated to the benefits of my newly-found psychic powers with this Food Republic Culinary Horoscope. Enjoy!
Jan 21 – Feb 18
You’re constantly craving pickles. You’ll try a new diner, but the soup tastes kind of funny, so you order a Reuben and discover that everything tastes funny at that place. Farro will make a brief appearance in your life, only to be replaced by quinoa when there’s an unexpected sale at Whole Foods. You’re pregnant.
Feb 19 – Mar 20
You’re going to eat so much fish that people will start calling you The Shark. You overdose on wings at a Super Bowl party and have to go to Urgent Care – but the nurse becomes your next girlfriend. You will not eat wings together. Beware of burgers – your internist is already concerned about your cholesterol, so why tempt fate?
Mar 21- Apr 20
A friend introduces you to the best fried chicken in the world, but they close the next week. You attempt to sous-vide something for the first time and you fail. The word “ganache” is everywhere, but there’s not a tart in sight. Tip well on delivery this month. Your kindness will be repaid with cornbread.
Apr 21 – May 21
This is the time for extra cheese on everything. Don’t indulge in communal bowls of snack foods. You’ll make a reservation at two restaurants at the same time and the Restaurant Gods will strike you down with food poisoning for being an asshole. Trout passes tuna on your personal fish preference list.
May 22 – Jun 23
You vow to swear off salted caramel anything, but cave when you see a rather fetching budino. Servers refer to you as “sir” and “buddy,” but never make eye contact. You come into a large sum of money and blow it all on counterfeit Beluga caviar. There will be a massive spork injury at lunch one day, but you’ll escape unscathed. Call your mother and tell her how much you love her French onion soup.
Jun 24 – Jul 22
You accidentally think a Korean man is Japanese, but eventually you’re invited to experience an underground banchan club. An old McDonald’s jingle gets stuck in your head for three weeks. Cabbage appeals to you more than ever before. You’ll order a Manhattan and be given an Old-Fashioned. Have you had your break today?
Jul 23 – Aug 23
Now is the time to invest in a CSA. A mysterious stranger advises you on eggplant cooking techniques in the grocery store and they turn out to be spot-on. Drink more water. You inherit a cookbook and wow a dinner party with your great aunt’s pineapple salad. Sex is non-existent for you.
Aug 24 – Sep 22
Late night binge-eating leads to an abnormal meal schedule of one massive lunch followed by fasting followed by late night binge-eating. You try to use a Groupon for a Mexican restaurant and get rejected. You start to think about planting a garden but give up when you can’t think of what to plant. Hot chocolate gets on your white jeans, but it’s your own damn fault for wearing white jeans in February.
Sep 23 – Oct 23
Try the new market that just opened down the street. Don’t worry about calories this month because you’re wearing sweaters anyway. Tequila sounds like a bad idea, but it’s really a gateway to love. You find grapefruits incredibly seductive, but stick to tangerines. Be wary of pasteurized American cheese.
Oct 24 – Nov 21
You buy edible underwear for your partner, but it gets stuck in your throat mid-coitus. A bag of baby carrots sits in your fridge unopened for months until you need to make a stew, at which point you buy a new bag of baby carrots because those other ones look “nasty.” The pizza guy forgets the crushed red pepper, so you use that weird Caribbean hot sauce instead and it’s not that bad. You finally decide that Apples to Apples is better as a snack than a party game.
Nov 22 – Dec 21
You’ll be obsessed with a salad and order it for lunch four days in a row before you get sick of it. Fruit roll-ups make a surprise appearance in your shopping cart. You order popcorn at the movies and ask for extra butter only to find that you’ve hit the extra butter butterload. Small plates start to make sense to you. Your first shot of Fernet completely wipes out an oncoming sinus infection.
Dec 22 – Jan 20
The road to happiness is paved with bacon-wrapped dates. You try Iraqi food and contemplate a trip to Tikrit “when things calm down.” A late night weed fest leads to drinking honey directly from the bear. A can of root beer placed in the freezer to cool down will be forgotten and turn into a lethal weapon. Your best friend is pregnant and you’ll be the last to find out. Nobody you know has heard of loquats.
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