So here’s how I prepared for the hurricane about a month ago when Sandy wasn’t even a twinkle in our eyes. 

Friend: “Hey, what are you doing this fine Sunday?”
Me: “Oh, cookin’ for the freezer.”
Friend: “What?”
Me: “You know, making giant batches of good stuff and freezing them for later.”
Friend: “What the fuck is wrong with you? You cook on your day off?”
Me: “It’s a thing, I promise people do this. I actually derive immense pleasure from it. Ever seen a squirrel get ready for the winter? That’s where the term ‘squirrel away’ comes from.”
Friend: “Remember that time a squirrel attacked you from that trash chute in high school?” 
Me: “Okay, this conversation is over.”

Couple of things: first, I did get attacked by a squirrel from a trash chute in high school during a blizzard, it attached itself to my face and made terrifying “squirrel in fear” noises, I missed my plane to India for spring break because I had to get a rabies shot in my right butt cheek (also it was a blizzard) and I don’t know why my friends have been bringing that up lately. It was 12 effing years ago and I’ve only just bounced back from 3 1/2 years of being called Squirrel and/or being snuck up on and attacked. And now you know. Okay?  

Second, check out my freezer, which I just photographed because I’m bored at home! As I stated before, it is FULL of lovingly cooked, generously portioned, wrapped and freezer-bagged food. You’d sic a fluffy little rodent bastard with super-sharp claws on me if you could see my smug face. Additionally, I believe I have enough citrus vodka, which is sounding pretty good at 11:30 after bringing up all this closeted trauma. 

I waltzed past Zabar’s, Barzini’s, Broadway Farm and all my other favorite Upper West Side food markets yesterday evening, shaking my head obnoxiously at the lines around the block, thinking about my gas stove whose left pilot light basically works and the utter comfort of at least a week’s worth of homemade hurricane-larder goodness. 

Oh, we might lose power, equally smug naysayer? Well all those frozen-solid bricks of awesomeness should preserve my bounty. And as it so happens, this taser I bought to “ward off” overly drunk and aggressive Halloween zombies runs on batteries.

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