In parts one and two of our gripping series on the finer points of wowing women in socially lubricated settings, we explored flirtation techniques for use in sports bars and in nightclubs. In this, the final piece of the pickup puzzle, we turn our attention to the two most-frequented barchetypes: dives and lounges.
Here now, some doofus-proof tips for taking home the prize in a variety of scoring situations:
She’s dancing alone in a dive bar:
Like my dear old grandma always used to say, nothing takes the shine off a one-night stand faster than a baby. Or an STD. Or a baby with an STD. Luckily you can avoid such things just by tossing a bag over Mister Happy at the right moment. Why are we jumping to how to protect your penis during sex? Because a woman dancing alone in a dive bar is like that jar of mayonaise in your fridge. If you want to have sex with it, it’s pretty much up to you, you just have to deal with the mess.
She’s laughing alone in a dive bar:
There’s a common term used to describe a woman sitting all alone cackling to herself in a dive bar: Homeless. So what you need to do is move in quickly before she gets tossed. Tell her you’ve got cans of tuna back at your place. Or, just that you have a place.
She’s laughing alone in a lounge:
Clearly she’s got a sense of humor, so walk over to her and kiss her. If she freaks out say, “Sorry, I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.” Then she’ll probably cuss you out a blue streak, and that’s when you say, “Damn, you even sound exactly like her.” Even if you don’t get the girl, that’s some funny stuff there.
She’s in a lounge dancing with mixed company:
How, you ask, do you extricate her from the group? Simple. You pull what is known in the pick-up artists’ biz as a “DID.” That’s short for “Dancing in the Dark,” the 1980’s music video in which Bruce Springsteen inexplicably wows Courtney Cox with some of the whitest dance moves ever captured on film.
She’s with her girlfriends in a dive:
Determine whether these ladies are locals or tourists. If they’re locals, afford them the respect of not hitting on them until they’ve had several drinks. With tourists, it’s time for a history lesson. “Did you know that Charles Bukowski and Dylan Thomas both drank themselves to death on that same stool over there, but 50 years apart?” You didn’t? That could be because it’s not true. Do not let this deter you.
She’s dancing with friends in a dive:
First off, men and women in dive bars don’t actually dance, they SWAY to songs like “Piano Man” and “American Pie.” Sometimes they CONVULSE to, say, “Saturday Night’s Alright for Fighting.” Occasionally they POGO to “Blitzkrieg Bop” and “I Want Candy.” Can you pull this off? Frankly, why would you want to?
She’s laughing with friends in either locale:
A wise man once said laugh, and the world laughs with you. What he didn’t say was that if other people are laughing and you suddenly start laughing along with them for no apparent reason, they may think you’re a weirdo. The point here, never laugh with strangers unless explicitly invited to do so.